Long Ago
May 02, 2002, 12:37 a.m.

I feel a big need to get things out, but no desire to write at the moment, so here is a story of how I feel my life went for the worse

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Elizabeth Westberg and I had been the best of Friends since the very fist day of Daycare (age 3) we did everything together, we had our own special world that only we knew how to get to, our very first sleepovers were with each other, I spent my very last birthday party that I was allowed to have, with her we knew everything about each other, I made her things, I remember every summer whether either of us when some where or not we would buy each other something, and the very first day that both of us were back in town we'd meet 1/2 way between our houses and exchange gifts and we always way buy 2 of for her and one for yourself, at time we even thought that we might have be twin separated at birth, people couldn't tell us apart they were forever calling her Stephanie and me Elizabeth, but I guess as they say All good things must come to an end, and the end came for me in grade 7...

I hated grade 7 it must have been the worst year of my life, you would think one would like the new found felling of "adulthood" and such but for me it was a living hell, it started out fairly normal I guess my best friend in the whole world (we met when we were 3 and had been best friends ever since 9 years) Elizabeth Westberg, and my 2nd best friends (we met in E.C.S. so that's 7 years of friendship) Kelly Wright, and Karen Krause, were all going to Queen Elizabeth Jr/Sr high school for Jr high, this was great we didn't have to leave each other, it was true that they were all in the regular program while I was going into G.A.T.E. but that didn't matter to much we were still going to see each other at lunch and walking to and from school etc so it didn't seem to bad at all, but starting only a month or so into the new school year thing started to change, I would always wait from them after school to walk home if I was out first, but they would often leave with out me and I had to run and catch up with them, at lunch I wasn't able to find them anymore, when I would walk down the halls all (and yes I do mean ALL) the non GATE kids would whisper and point at me, I tried not to think anything of it but I could tell something was wrong. I made a big effort to talk and do thing with Kelly, Elizabeth and Karen, but the more I tried the further away they got...

when it got real cold out I would get a call from one of them saying that we would be getting a ride, if there was no call that meant we would walk, the saddest day of my life came on morning I was almost ready to go there had been no phone call so I though we would be walking to school, I look out my window and saw Karen's dad's truck coming around the corner, I panicked I wasn't ready yet, and I didn�t want to keep them waiting when they would pull up, so I rush around throwing on my boots etc...

I look out the window again and the truck drove right past my house, and I look at the truck and in the back seat were Kelly and Elizabeth and in the front Karen...

I must have stood here for 5 mins before I could even think again, and with that I started to cry then I realized I was going to be late for school so still sobbing I put on the rest of my winter gear and headed towards school crying the whole way, needless to say I was late for school, and as they say it was all down hill from there.....

As the weeks when on I would walk down the halls and thing would be chucked at me, comment would be made and it seem at every non GATE kid knew who Stephanie Brown was and they hated her, I found out 2 years later (via Karen, who chummed with me again) that Elizabeth and Kelly had told everyone nasty things about me and got the whole of the non GATE's to hate my guts... (Nice eh?)

all in this time I hadn't made and friends in GATE I was so busy trying to save my old friendships that I had ignored all the new people and now that I look for some one to turn to, I found I was all alone every one I guess though I was to wrapped up in what ever it was that I had been doing and they all discarded me, so now my old friend hated me all along with the entire grade 7 non gate population, all the GATE kids ignored me and I was seen to them as "just that, oh what�s her name" my mom and dad couldn't have given stuff about me, my marks were very crappy IMO, I was very alone, hated, hurt and I felt beyond worthless, the kids that didn't like me say things like "oh there's Stephanie brown, the stupid worthless, ugly no good sack of shit" and other such fun things plus I got the added bonus of having thing hurled at me and the fun good time of people jumping on my feet and pushing me etc...

And I stared to believe them that I was a stupid worthless, ugly no good sack of shit, I had no one at all so I did what I thought would solve it all I would put myself out of their misery...

on April 2, 1996, it was a Tuesday (I'm not sure how I remember that) I went to school with a knife in my pocket, I went through the classes before lunch not really being in them, I wrote a small note and put it on Nikki's locker, and I headed for the washroom, on my way there I ran into nikki she asked what I was up to I showed her the knife, and said "goodbye" she was so worried she ran to find help, I when to the washroom on the first floor and took out the knife and held it in my hand and.... well I didn't do it I though it wouldn't be fair for someone to find me, so I put the knife away and went to eat lunch, thinking I'd do it later, nikki found me and they were in tears and then we all went to the guidance, needless to say this is the main reason I hate guidance counsellors, but I did manage to find that the were people in GATE who cared about me but in all of this I did something that I can never forgive myself for...

My Favourite person in the world has always been my Grandpa Don but he had been sickish anyway around this time, and my parents had told them about my suicide attempt, and it wasn't long after that that my grandpa went into the hospital, he died on my dad's birthday, we had gone down to Ontario, and at least I go to say goodbye, I had only wanted 3 things when he got so sick, I wanted to be able to see him again, for him to see me, and for him to die peacefully, I told him all of that, I stayed last on the Tuesday night may the 14th and told him all of that, I gave him a kiss looked into his eyes and said goodbye and I loved him, and left... at 2am on the 15 of May my favourite person passed away, I was the last one to see him, I still think to this day that it's my fault he went when he did...

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well that's the whole, well cut down a bit, story, well I have saddened quite a bit so I think I'll stop writing there 's not to much that I didn't say anyway

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