Does it Matter? Can I fix it?
April 02, 2006, 2:18 PM

I hate these feelings and I just love that my creativity is dead as a door nail. Wow if that’s not a happy start to an entry I don’t know what is.

Overall this sucks … this being life, school, and you know, general things that people bitch about. I guess I’m just feeling a bit (maybe a lot) disappointed in myself. I’d like to say that I’m feeling anger, stress, and fear, but I think that this is a whole lot deeper then those simple feelings. True I do have those feelings, yet I think that whatever is leading too these bad feelings should be the core thing that I need to focus on.

I’m upset about some dumb things that are going on with my school life. I have been putting off papers and noticed the reasons why. I have to tell you, what I see makes me almost vomit.

I gather all of these bad feelings have transcended into new form of self hatred. I know that I used to really loath myself, but due to some lifestyle changes (and we’ll leave it at that), I no longer feel the same way …. And yet …..

Well the thing is I’m sure that I turned off the “angry” voice in my head that made me want to take a gun to my … well make my happy with my Sick comforts. However, now that I shut up the voice, I didn’t find anything to replace it with. Now I wonder if I have pushed my self-hate into my sub-consciousness; thereby cause my outward self-destruction in life.

*sigh* it is hard not to be cryptic here, as I don’t fully understand the situation myself. All I know is that I’m having a hard time dealing with myself and I need to find answers or I’ll do just as Patrick predicts. I know that it’s to late to “save” this part of my life, but I couldn’t bare living the next part in the same fashion.

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