Happy 1st Of March
March 01, 2003, 11:42 PM

Hello and welcome to the first day of march. I know big woppey whoooo. Well I thought it could be at least somthing to have .... oh hell I'm just talking out of my arse again, it's quite the picture I'm told.

I know I haven't been updating much, there has just been so much crazy crud going down, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, updating that is. It really was the farthest thing from my mind, and it seemed like such a huge chore. Now I think that sucks eggs! Why should I feel that writing in my Journal should be a mundane task or chore? When did I get it into my thick skull that I was no longer writing in here for me? The same thing happened with my swapping hobbie, and I got it to the point where I was lieing all the time to cover my own bare butt, and late all the time, near tears, frazzled, upset etc etc... I had to give it up for a long time. I swap again now, but I think I need to be damn careful. I hope like snot, that I picked up on this feeling long before I get/got to the point, like I did on my swaps. I would hate to lose this outlet, and it really is much better for me then writing in a paper journal, I love blanknote books, but I could never seem to get my act together to keep writing. I read al kinda of articals on how to journal, why it was good, how to do it right etc etc, and I wanted to sooooooooooooooo badly, but like most things in mylife it always fell by the way side. It's different now with my on-line goodness, I have been at this for almost a full year, and even thought I get so mad at myself for not writing, and then feeling like I owe it to the "world" to fill up all the blank spots, I have been at this more often then I have with anyother type of writing. Shoulodn't I give myself at least some small credit for that?

Anyway back to my busy life over the past couple of weeks. We got the house re-painted, and my room got done!!!!!!!!! yeah! I just love fresh starts, and what better way to get that then re-doing everything!? my room looks quite nice, it was suopst to only be 3 days but it was closer to a full week, and I hid at Allanon's for all of the time. Gods we got into some fighting, we are so... well somthing about us is being pulled to tight and I really think it's hurting us both marvlous much *sigh* Things seem to be better now school is back in and I've moved back into my room, but I still worry, I want us to be ok, I need to take time for us, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen right now. Perhaps, we've hit another level. That's a good thing, but it tends to mean large and rough waters ahead. I ask the powers that be to give me the mental stabily to meet anything head on, we all know I don't do very good at these times. Who knows this might be different, we've worked things out before, and we can again.

As it is March the 1st, I expcet that I will be able to get to where I have so longed to be, for years at/by the end of this month, I have never felt such hope and motivation in my heart. Maybe I was right maybe this is my year, the year is just dancing to it's own tune, and I'm only now caught up with the melody. *tinks glass* heres hopeing!

Later Days,
Blaze

last - next