Even After 4 Years
August 7, 2003, 11:15 PM
I guess the big thing I stop what is what happened tonight. But not so sure I want to. It's hard to relive the past, even harder when the memories keep flashing up in your brain. I wish I could forget, I wish it never happened. I'm not sure how cryptic this is sounding, I can't remember if I ever told, I don't know if I can bring myself to tell right now.
I have to say that Allanon is wonderful, I didn't mean to lose like that, should be stronger. I mean it's been Four years, how long does it take to get over, I guess the movie triggered it. All I can think is the way Nathan made me sit, how he talked to me, and then what he made me do. All I can think is that I deserve what he did to me. I told Allanon this, and I just sobbed. All he could do was hold me tight, I knew he wanted to make the pain stop, I knew he wanted to take away what Nathan did, I felt so powerless that he couldn't. I love him although he can't fight the monsters in my head (not unlike the monsters under the bed) but when he puts his arm around me and holds me tight it makes me feel a little bit stronger, and I'm glad for it.
I feel so ugly and worthless, I feel I deserve everything I got, my head can't stop the playback tonight. I know I told him I be okay, somehow I think I lied. I didn't mean to lie, I thought I could be strong enough. I just can't forget, the memories make it feel like it only happened a week ago, I so deserved it. I mean look at me, forget what I am. I'm a slut, only good for being used, like that. I didn't even say no, I so deserve to have things like that happen to me. It was all my fault I should have said something, I guess I'm paying for it.
I hurt too much to go on, but I felt I should write something down, to try and get it out of my head, so I might sleep tonight. I think I might be wrong about that, it feels like I've made things worse. I should have shoved it all down, I should have hid. I'm crazy and stupid, but hey tomorrow's another day.
Later Days,
Blaze
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