Not The Best Day
February 04, 2003, 3:45 PM

I'm feeling like dog dung (sorry but I'm trying not to swear anymore).

I haven't slept well in days. I'm a person that needs sleep, I don't do well without sleep, and I have gotten NO sleep were talking maybe 10 hours in 5 days. (It should be 40 hours).

The powers that be are bored and gave me my monthly friend, which sucks more than normal as I had just gotten rid of auntie flo(w) 2 weeks before that.

I got a signing in my guestbook that I think hurt me more then I'm willing to admit. I know I want feedback, of all kinds but it made me really hurt and sad. It was one of those things, you know. It shouldn't be a big deal, maybe the person was having a bad day, don't take it personally, kind of things. But I was so upset by it that my mind dived into black dark thoughts about how lousy I am I wanted to kill my self. Not because of what they said, but what I started to think about because of it. That just made me feel super stupid, what a dumbass I am for letting something get to me so much, I wanted it, I asked for it, I deserve it.

I've been feeling super down, all of my friends are falling apart (kind of), I'm so stressed ... WAHHH

Because of all that I want to SI so very badly, I had to beg my Allanon to clip me so I couldn't. I was/am aching so bad.... I hurt... I want... I just don't know.

Classes went okish. However, my prof was late for a meeting with me, and things that were asked and said made me feel so inadequate. I got all worried about test, and money, and lack of smarts, skills, and good things. How bad I was how I can't do anything right, how I've messed up my life so very badly.

At this point I was debating weather I should go see my Film today or not, seeing as it was a dark painful movie about the starting of the Quebec Crises and how it portrays sympathy or the scary terrorists. Well as I was going through the pros and cons of going I ran *SMACK* into my ex best friend. Well that just about did me in. I thought there was no way in, in anyway, that I could go to my film class.

So I went to the Computer lab and then my body thought it would hate me, I got shakes, really cold, sick to my tummy, super sharp pain in my head that gave me the throat throw up feeling, my pooper went on the fritz, and it felt like the bags under my eyes grew 4 inches deeper AND longer.

I did see Monkey Pants, waiting for a ride, out of the window. And thought she didn't let me know she was ok, I saw that she came to school so I'll take it.

That made me think that Josh said he'd e-mail but he didn't. *SIGH* every time I talk to him it stresses me out something awful. We'll have to think about that one.

Well it's only 4:00 PM let us hope that the powers that be give me a break for the evening and night.

Later Days,
Blaze

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