What Else is New?
January 23, 2003, 11:31 PM

I'm just going to do a quick update here, since I don't feel like talking, I might expand on this tomorrow, but right now I don't give a fuck.

I need to sleep, I have had to many late nights I can't be strong and wonderful like my friend who never need sleep, I'm just weak stupid and pathic, but hey what else is new?

Darque Angel Has gone to be with her sister for a few days. it's nice that she can do that, but hey being the selfish cow I am I'd kinda like her to be around... I guess just to know she's here, even if I'm too much of a fucking prick to ask for help.

Monkey Pants doesn't sound like she's doing well, and this upsets me to no end, I want her to be ok, I don't want her to SI, it's not fair... I'm trying my fucking damnest to stop and she starts, not relaps but STARTS!!! I read/listen/talk about the tangled web, andd I feel like beating my head on a wall till I bust my forehead open. If cry wasn't so fucking weak, I'd break right down.

Mawce I want to spend time with him, but I can't *pouts*Monkey Pants is needing every ounce of his time and the little bit he's got left goes to Darque Angel. Not that isn't right, I guess I'm feeling sad that I don't even get to see him.. not that it matters anyway. I so need to fucking talk with him, but I'll end up sending him back to hell if I say even one bad thing... and I'm not good at that. what the fuck am I talking about? I need to be strong on my own, I know one should/will/can help... it's all up to me.

AllanonI had a rough day, it was go to see him. he didn't yell at me, and I was gald. He's so down in the dumps, and it's all my fucking fault. He left me tonght feeling ashamed, stupid, and worthless. I asked for it, I poured my little soul out to him, the best way I know how. That was so stupid. I knew it would hurt him. it's not all about me, but I'm too big a prick to know that. We were doing some no stuff and I thought he was really into it tonight, I was all up for that, but nothing happened, he gave me nothing I gave him nothing, I mess up everything.

As for Me on my drive home I smacked myself so hard so many times, the sting felt so good, the the red/purple welt on my face will be gone by tomorrow, I wish I could smack myself more and harder till I left a sore bruse, but it makes to much noise, and I'd just get yelled at. I wish I had my kinfe, sometime you need to comfrot tool of your own, and my nail aren't chewable enough. I find something. Fuck trying to get better, there's no point I can't do it, and know one can help me.

Later Days,
Blaze

last - next