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Old Thoughts, New Thoughts & Still True Thoughts
July 05, 2002, 12:22 AM
Boy do I ever need a best friend. When I had one, my life was so good,
so happy, so care free and just plain wonderful but then I lost her and
my happy life. I never realised how much we needed each other... how
much I needed her. If she was still my best friend a lot of things
wouldn't have and wont happen but they did and they can and they will.
When I found a new best friend it was the happiest time I've had since
she left me and I think everyone noticed it but then he sort of left me
to.
Why? Why?? Why did she leave? Why did she change?? Why did she stop
loving me??? I wish I had answers to these questions. Boy do I wish!
Do you know what it's like? no, you don't. You don't know what it's
like to cry your self to sleep every night,You don't know what it's like
to have your heart wrenched, tear, break and pretty much ripped to
pieces every time you see them, you don't know what it's like to wonder
what?, who?, when?, how?, why? all the time, You don't know what it's
like to have every sight, smell, sound, taste, touch and just everything
you do remind you of them. Do you? have you?? can you??? I hope not it's
very painful.
Boy I'm pretty pathetic. Here it is a year since she left and I'm still
so sad, I can hardly bear it.
I wonder, I wonder a lot of things like how is she? what has she been
up to? and other questions like that.
I wish I could talk to her but I just can't.
Boy did I ever need her right then boy do I ever need her right now.
She left me then and I lost it. I mean my friends are there for me and
I'm there for them but close friends aren't a best friend. It's just not
the same at all. *Sigh* I miss her.
I want someone, I need some, I crave someone to be my best friend.
Please, help, me to find that best friend. I need it more that you can
tell. I need that person I need her I need myself. Help please, please.
Can you? will you?? help me. I don't know if I can last much longer so
if you can if you will help me fast 'cause my time is running out.
Sometimes I wonder how I get by all the time. Sometimes I barely can.
Sometimes it hurts so much that I want to stop every thing right then
and there but then I look in the mirror and shake my head and I think I
can't and I say I won't and I don't. It is so hard to live life by
trying struggling to make it through minute by minute, hour by hour, day
by day. Sometimes I just don't know how I do it.but I do and I'll keep
trying.
Do you think I'm good enough? for someone so special? so right? so
kind? so sweet? so...so... oh what's the word?? Well you know and I know
what it is I'm trying to say, what I mean. WAIT! Don't answer. Just tell
the answer to yourself then you can answer it truthfully.
I think and I sit and I wonder it seem to me that in the night time
that my head and my heart are just so emotional, so sweet so sensitive
so vulnerable and simply full of thoughts, some unanswered, some I want,
some I wish, and some just sit unanswered, untouched, and barely heard.
But I still hear them and I still care. I guess thoughts are a lot like
people or at least they are the way I see people.
Sometimes do you wonder if life really has any meaning? I do. I wonder
that all the time. Life is important to me. I hope it is important to
you as well.
I feel as if no one cares right now I have no one when I am sad there
is no one to comfort me when I cry there is no one to wipe my eyes and
dry my tears. When I am happy or exited there is no one to share in my
joy and celebrate with. When I fall there is no one to catch me or to
help me back up. When I stumble there is no one to steady me. Right now
there is no one. I am all alone in this world. No one sees my pain no
one see that I'm am sad no one will see me, no one will hear me and no
one will help me but I can see them I can hear them and help them so
then why am I invisible? Can't they see me? Can't they hear me? Can't
they help me? Why? Why?? Why??? Oh why don't they? Why don't they open
their eyes? Why don't they listen? Why don't they hold out their hands
and open their hearts? I need them to. Because if no one sees me I will
become blind if no one hears me I will become deaf and if no one will
help me I might forget. I might forget how to help how to love how to
cry. I don't want to forget but if I forget then we will all be alone in
this world and I can't and I won't. I'm glad we don't live in a world
like that but we will if I don't stop being invisible to the world.
Sometimes I look out the window and I know not why I look up the street
and down the street. I don't know who or what I'm looking for but I hope
whoever or whatever I'm looking for will some day come.
Did you ever notice, depending on what kind of mood you are in, how
much a song's lyrics can remind you of special memories and things in
your life?
My Gods how I love the moon. I don't know why exactly. It's hard to
explain. My favourite time is my own I hate to be disturbed at night
when the moon is full, the sky is black and either full of bright
shimmering, twinkling off white stars or with a nice cloudy haze to it.
This is the time I feel most safe and it's about the only time I feel
loved. It's like someone actually cares when I tell my thoughts to them.
Yes, I tell the moon my thoughts. I guess I think that somehow the moon
and the stars will make all my hopes all my dreams and all of my
fantasies come true and will soothe all my fears. I guess that's what I
hope. Some way, some how, since no one else cares no one has ever cared
and maybe no one ever will but I know the moon will always listen and
try to help or at least that's what I hope. I have not much left to hope
for almost every thing and every one I have ever loved or ever cared
about has left me. I hope that maybe this time will be different.
Why no matter what I try can't become the person that I want to be? Why
is that? What can I do to be that person? Will you help me? Will anyone
help me? I don't know why I think this but I think that if I could be
that person then maybe I could finally be happy and then everyone could
be happy and happy people are... well... you know what I'm trying to
say. Help. Help. I need so much help I try to give all the help I can so
why can't I get the help I need??
last - next
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