Rearing An Ugly Head
January 22, 2004, 3:22 PM

I cut last week. I know I have said anything about it, I guess I was that upset. I mean really, it had been almost 6 months, and then I just had to do it. I grabbed a tack off my bulletin board and started to slice and dice.

The good news is that I only did one arm. The bad news is that the marks are still there just over a week later. This means that I am going harder and deeper. When I used to do it before, no matter how hard I thought I was I was hurting myself, the marks would always be gone in 24 hours. Now it has been over a week, the marks that healed are now scars (never to go away).

I guess the reason I am venting this at this time, is that I want to cut now. I am home all by myself, pissed off and angry. With a large number of things, that just seems to be getter bigger and worse.

Writing about my self-injury (SI) just made me angrier. I am pissed because I did it. I did not want to do it; it has been such a long time. I mean once I knew that what I was doing, was/is self-injury I wanted to stop. I have been so wonderful lately, new revolutions, new me, things were changing. Yet this old dirty habit reared it ugly head, for no good reason other then I felt so upset and guilt-ridden after reading a stupid book.

It also pisses me off because I am such a pussy. I cannot "cut" like "everyone else". I use a fucking thumbtack and "scratch" my arms. I don�t use a knife, or burn, or do it really deep, so I�m mad that I know I have something wrong, but it�s not a real problem, I�m just stupid, not "sick".

You know what; this did not help. Now I am ashamed, pissed, guilty, embarrassed, angry, fuming, infuriated, pathetic, miserable, and crying. And to boot, I have not even talked about anything that is upsetting me.

Oh, for the love of the Powers That Be, why is there not an easy way to die?

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