Tomorrow is another day. Damn.
February 03, 2004, 6:27 PM

Damn I am awful. I am nothing like the people in my class. This girl that was sitting in front of me, she had cute boot and looked great in her low-rise jeans, the belt worked so well. She had semi large chest (a "D" I think) which was shown off well under a baseball t-shirt. She had cute underwear and was rather girly over all.

Now she was not skinny, the backsides of her arms had jiggle, and when she bent to get something out of her bag (the reason I saw her undies) I could see a little "chub" just above her hips. It was a nice site, I did not want to kiss her or fuck her. She was cute in her own right, but not the type for me. She looked right. Not overly trendy, but stylish (considering she was only ware jeans and a t-shirt to a 10:00am university class) She was slim and healthy looking. Wearing an amount of makeup that worked well.

She did not have those things that made her stand out. No six pack, no long perfect hair, no cutesy little bag, no six-inch pumps, no dyed hair, no perfect nails, no diamond ring, no little cell phone, no clown makeup. She was not overweight, or 80ibs, she was not wearing frumpy clothes, she had a pal, and she did not talk, was not a note keener.

Of course then I stared sizing up the others in the class, person and girls. In addition, over 80% of them looked better then I have ever felt in my whole life

I am over weight by 16ibs; I would love to lose 25 to 30ibs. I have no clue how to dress, the only thing I think I might look ok in are guys clothes, frump city. My chest can look nice, and it is a good size and all... but they stick out funny and make me ashamed. I don't want to say it, but I guess that I was comprising myself to the random girl that I didn't even know and that I didn't really find that attractive, and I still fell really awful about myself.

I can't ... I don't ... damn it, I have this thought that I want to write her, but I can't stand even the thought of what anyone who reads this might say about my thought. I cannot stand any more abuse. I have suffered so much as of late, by trying to openly expressing my mind thoughts. Now my soul is bleeding red raw. No more! I WILL crack!

No, it is clear after writing that out; I must crawl inside myself and stay there.

last - next