I Can't Say No
May 27, 2003, 11:41 AM

I am not the type of person that can say no easyly when I just cant do somthing or I just don't want to do that thing I make up all kinds of excuses. Maybe that's why I have complusive liyer tendences. Somthing to think about anyway. Yes, I usually streach the truth as my way of saying no. It got me in really hot water once, well most likly more then once but there was this one time in particular.

My ranger friends and I were getting to be at odds, well to put it more plainly I felt that they were treating me like shit. I was invisable to them, when we did anything as a group. Everything they talked about had nothing to do with me I wasn't conected to there other friends, I was more aloe when I was with them as a group then I'd ever been in my life.

When I would be with just one of them I'd be fine it would be like I had a real friendship with that person. As soon as one other joined I no longer matered, I wasn't there. Needless to say I would start making things up so I didn't have to join in the group "fun". I'd say I was doing things like Family dinner's with Allanon, say I was working even though I'd be done in plenty of time, you know anything so that I didn't have to say no, but so I didn't have to join them either.

Well you see then Yasdnil was leaving to go to school in BC, (she and I were the closest of the group) so she was having a goodbye party and I didn't want to say goodbye to her wuth the whole group there. I could see it
Blaze: "good bye Yasdnil"
Yasdnil: "thanks blaze, oh Enna I'm worried..."
Blaze: "so I think you'll do well, I hope you have fun etc..."
Yasdnil:"Nahgem, did I show you..."

No thanks, it wasn't worth it to me to have a day of blaze ignoreing while everyone was sad, So I didn't go. I think I was "working" well I was during the day, I could have made it, but like I said I didn't want to deal with them and it. I was going to say goodbye to Yasdnil in a note/letter/phone call/ personal visit, but due to miss matching scheduals I never got the chance.

See the biggest deal with this was Yasdnil was real upset not everone (this means me) was there to say good-bye, and the whole has this mindset that Yasdnil is God and no one can hurt God with out paying. So needless to say I was in big shitola. Everything was real rotten after that. Everyone hated me with much passion, things have never fully recovered. I did talk to everyone and explain myself but with some of them nothing changed others are damaged for life, and via all of this I'm the bad guy everything is my fault, never mind I was the one that wanted to kill herself over the way I was being treated.

I have no real regrets, but sometimes I wonder if I should learn to say no. What might happen different in my life? I just have no idea. When I think about things like this, my life seems like a complex falurie that I have minimal control over.

Later Days,
Blaze

last - next