Massively Hypocritical
November 28, 2002, 2:57 PM

"How can I follow my heart when it is more confused than my head?" --Unknown





Ok well I said to myself that I would sit down a post a real entry. Not that I have to many issues with posting fun little things that are random and pointless, but I know they are some people out there that would like to see a little bit of the person I am and the thoughts that float in and out of my ears, like water after swimming for too long.

Well I have had 3 such thoughts so far today. Well thoughts that I wanted to write about anyway. Now the big question is should I write about them all at once? Or should I make 3 separate entries? Hmmm.... that's a toughie, tell you what, I'll start with one random thought and see how much I have written, how much time I have left, and how I feel. Sound good? So glad you agree. Now which one do I pick first?

Well let�s go with the day's events that lead to thoughts. I was on the ER forum of Stop Harm I was talking to eyore and posting other things. Now with all the shit my life has put me through lately, I just don't seem to care anymore, not 100% sure why that is right now but, I can't do this anymore, I have failed to many times when trying so hard, I've been told that I seem worse now then I did before I tried to "get better". So that�s it, I'm throwing in the towel... (For now at any rate) I'm just causing too much pain, so I'll go back to the way I was. It was told to me that I might be doing some good to others on the board (which I think is a load of tosh, but that's neither here nor there) so I feel that I'm stuck. I can't seem to stop SI'ing and with the ... well with things the way they are at home etc. I'm not so sure I want to anymore. So should I stay on the board? It is after all a place to STOP harm. But I thought I would stick around for others, I feel massively hypocritical though, I was talking to Eyore trying to help her not to cut and I was giving her all this advice, things that I don't take myself. I feel so rotten about telling others "what to do" when I can't even do it myself.

I feel like I give some really sound advice, but what of it? I don't think people should listen to the really good things I say. It's just a contradiction of myself, and that just can't be good. I don't have any idea about what to do in this situation. I feel so bad about not doing what I say, and then I remember all the things, all the reasons that I stopped trying in the first place! Grr you stupid mind, I'll kick you.

Ok after all that rambling, I'm going to make the other thoughts into other entries.

Later Days,
Blaze

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