Falling. Failing. Fighting?
February 02, 2004, 9:47 AM

Well I have a class in about 30mins or so, yet am I doing homework? Am I writing "important" school emails? Reading my textbooks? Organizing? Reviewing my notes? Adding to my notes? Nope I am not doing any of that. However, the worst of it is that I do not really care either. I'm not scared that I'll flunk out, I'm not worried that I'm wasting $2500.00, I could care less that I�m making my self worth and value sink so far that even the thought of dieing seems like to much effort.

Yet I sit here and I babble about how I am not doing anything. I plan to do things everyday. Something small goes *pang* in me when I see the hurt in Allanon�s eyes. Therefore, it is tough for me to write everything off, despite it looks like that is exactly what I am doing. If I really did not care, then why would I keep talking about it?

Sure I have answers to that question but my thoughts are so jumbled and keep contradicting themselves, that I have no idea what I think at all. I am trapped in lonely little world I have created. It is entirely too much effort to try to get out. Besides, my mother told me long ago, that I would end up in a box under a bridge writing sad poetry. She reminds me of that every time we see a box on the side of a road, and points to it and says, "Look, there's your house. I hope it'll fit under the bridge" and then she laughs. Yes she laughs, while I smile at her and think to myself "she doesn't know how right she is".

Well I sat down to write and clear my head, yet I fret that I have made myself more miserable. I think that I should give up trying to write in here. I censor myself so much, I do not say anything I that I am really feeling, and, usually now, I end up making myself feel worse.

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