This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
January 31, 2004, 4:42 PM

Well I am at it again. I am not doing anything, it is now 4:00pm and I have not done anything, I am so upset and ashamed at myself. I am letting Allanon down I am letting myself down, I felt ok this morning, and I was good to go after lunch, now I have no clue what I have been doing, I look at the clock and good gravy hours are gone.

My chest is tightening and I am worried I might cry. This is the real reason that I put make up on, I cannot cry or I will make a mess, then I will feel very bad. Maybe there is something missing in my life that makes it so that I do not care, or maybe I have a real problem.

I was talking to Allanon about these things last night. I have to say that was a very tough talk, I did feel a bit better after we stopped talking, but here I am the very next day, doing the same thing, letting him and me down.

We said I should be in counselling again. I do want to; I am not even so worried about the time I will have to put in. I really do not mind counselling; powers that be know I cannot talk to Allanon that much about it. I want to tell him about things, but he is not a professional and I cannot dump on him, I need to dump on a professional then tell Allanon everything that was talked about.

I have two big issues, which are preventing me from going into counselling again. One is frustration and the other is fear. The frustration deals with the fact that I need to be understood, that means I need to tell, explain, and go over every detail about my past, I have had three councillors and I do not want to go through the looooong process of relating my past over again.

The fear thing is that the new councillor will end up being like the other two. The first time I went into counselling was after I tried to kill myself in grade 7. We are not that rich so I went to the CBE's (Calgary board of education), my folks are teachers and the EAP (employ assistance program) is free of employees and there immediate family. The first person (Denny) I did not get on with her, I did not like the way she talked, so it was not going to work out. Then they sent me to Daphne who I really liked, and felt that I was going to get through something, then she went on maternity leave and I never went back. Move ahead 5 years, I started to feel worse then ever so, I sought out more help at the UofC. I had to tell an intake person everything, and then they gave me Terri. I thought things might go well with Terri. I had finally talked enough about my past to start dealing with the real stuff that was bugging me, and then she left. She was only a "student" type thing, and was never going to be permanent. So I am worried that after sucking up my frustrations and talking to someone new, the will take off and I will still be spinning my wheels in the past, and still hoping to kill myself in the future.

I could go back to Daphne; she is still working at the EAP. The biggest deal I have with that is, then I would have to tell my folks that I want to start talking to someone again. That means my mother is going to ask me so many questions (I hate that)

*start fawning, gentle, soft, something-might-break voice*

"why do you think you need to see Daphne again?", "are you hurting yourself again?", "why don't you talk to me", "is seeing Daphne helping?", "what did you talk to Daphne about today", "you'd let me know if you were _____ right?")

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