What To Do, When You Can't?
November 12, 2003, 11:22 PM

I wrote down some thoughts in my classes today, but I'm not sure i have them formed enough to put down into real words, I'll be most likey lost and upset when I try to re-read them later.

Stress is bad for poor little Blaze (ok stop laughing) I'm not really that hard done by and I know it, I just don't know how to handle myself. I have all these new feeling demanding to be dealt with, but I don't know how, and I don't have time to deal wit them. I have to some way of getting myself under control or I know I'll be very sorry. I'll lose my friends, my love, and more then likey kill myself. Right now it feels like it wouldn't matter, but I never do anything unless I still feel the same way in the morning.

I have so many things that I should be proud of right now, but i'm not. I wont even list the things, because even thiking about them make me feel shame, not pride. Maybe I've forgoten how to feel, or just never learned.

Allanon was talking to me the other night, telling me some good things about myself, and I just didn't belive him. The real bad part is that I WANTED to belive him, I really did, but everytime I tried to wrap my brain around the possiblyit that I could belive and trust what he was saying, gulit, fear, and self hate smacked me in the face and told me how stupid I was being.

I don't have the time to sort throuhg things right now, it was nice to get them down. Maybe I can get the next 3 hours work happy since I've cleared a good chunk of my mind. I doubt it'll happen though.

Oh when will I be able to make a difference?

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