I am soaring into an epileptic fit.
April 5, 2004, 12:32 AM

I have no idea what is wrong with me. I seem to be messing myself over again, and again, and again. Procrastination will get the better of me, not that I am sure I am procrastinating; it has to be self-destructive to say the least. You see this is somewhat cryptic, I will try to explain. However, I make no guarantees that I will make sense to anybody but myself. In addition, even that I am not so sure about.

I have no idea what to do about school. I seem to be messing everything up, take the last essay I had, only worth 30 percent of my grade. It could have been worth more if I had chosen a different topic, however, I picked a topic it was a topic I was interested in doing I actually got started on this topic ahead of time. Yet I ended up handing my essay in one day late in, which is a big deal for me. Moreover, to boot I broke down in bitter tears in front of my mother. Granted at this point she helped me write my essay and it ended up being easier and hopefully it's one of the best essays I've ever written I'm just 10 times more overwhelmed to this go round than I ever have been before.

Now I have the 3000 word essay due on Wednesday (this is with an extension) that I have barely started, the topic I've chosen I can't find the video for, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing on this essay, and the best part of all is this is worth of 40 percent of my grade. I think I may cry.

I am worried about myself. There are so many things going wrong in my life right now, and I have no idea how to deal with them. This is the best I have ever felt in my life and at the same time, my life has become almost unbearable, there have been times in the past few days I was literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Now, I know that I should be seen some person. A counselor if you will. Moreover, the most retarded thing is I am seeing somebody her name is Judy and she sucks shit.

Forgive the language, but I do not think I felt this worse about a counselor in a very longtime. I have had such issues with this whole new therapy thing I've seen five people what I'm trying to look for one specific person so don't feel like I'm abandoned again.

I met with this woman three times, the first time I scratched myself to ribbons (this is after the session) and the last time I flew into a fit a fury. You see the last time we were at 10 minutes to the hour and she does that whole just checking the time thing, which is fine, however I was in the middle of saying something and she never even when he finished my sentence or my thought the next thing I knew I had my stuff in my hand and were walking out of her office.

Yes, that is a great way to be supportive, do not even let the person finish talking. I have another appointment with her tomorrow, I do want to go. I dread going. When I sit down there I have a complete open mind about the process, I did put myself into it is not as if I was forced. Yet I lose my marbles every time I come out of the session. I cannot afford to go nuts, not right now. I can also use that hour to do things that are slightly more important, like work on this essay. Alternatively, if not work on my essay do those little procrastinating things that I might do later when I desperately need to work on my essay.

Forgive some of the mistakes in its entry I am using my voice dictation software as my wrist hurts beyond all reason. Moreover, my parents are not home, so I can talk as loud and freely as I would like to be able to do all the time.

Well I need to be off; I do not want to stay up all night. I have a long hard busy day ahead, and there are still a few little things I need to take care of before I can hit the hay. I hope I can make of good proper updates tomorrow, perhaps I will use them as rewards.*crosses fingers* here's hoping.

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