Always The Bad, Never The Good
January 19, 2003, 11:31 PM

gee I don't feel like updating, I think this si a good sign ( not that I need one) that the sudicidal thoughts are taking over. everyday that goes by I care less and less. I'm giving up the things that I'm/was into, i just want to sleep all the time. There are nothing but thoughts about killing myself, wanting someone to kill me somehow. i have so many plans, but at least I'm too down on myself to think any of them worthy. I don't even cry anymore, thought I feel like I should be. There is just so much pain and sorrow. it's not like any of this matters anyway.

I can't even talk about how I feel, it's like I want the people around me to notice and do something (don't ask me what) but I'm not telling them, they don't know and I'm not asking... it's one of those catch 22 things. I'd kill myself, but I would hurt to many people, I can't do that to them, eveyone has more then enough to deal with, I just can't add to there sorrows. this is why I can't tell anyone how I feel, people can't handle this news... and like alwasy I'll just be "one more thing"... always the bad never the good. My life in a nutshell.

I feel I desver the pain, I should be horabliy punished for my plain existing. Maybe this is why I cut, and beat myself. I've never been told I was good enough, and I know I'm not. it's very foolish to think I should get praise. Gods I'm stupid.

I wish they would put me in "hell" so I can be punished but not hurt myself. I'm sure that makes no sence. Not like it'll happen anyways,
1) is a hope of mine, my hope never happen
2) to get them to put me there I'd have to try to kill myself, see pervious paragraphs
3) I know that Allanon, Mawce and Darque Angel are going to kick me for thinking everything I just said.

I wonder if I should make this a hidden entry? oh who the fuck cares.

Later days,
Blaze

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