It Feels Like The Worst Day Ever
October 30, 2003, 11:59 PM

I think that this has been one of the worst nights of my life. Yes of course there were worse nights, like the night I thought I'd never seen my grandpa don alive, that I'd never be able to tell him how much I loved him, and how much I was going to miss him, I was so scared.. I was in hysterics. Of course, the night Mike broke up with me was no wonder either. I thought he wanted to talk via the net and not the phone was that it wasn't that important, then he broke up with me over ICQ, telling me that he didn't want me anywhere near his friends but his friends were more important then I was so TS thanks for the moment. Then there was media night last year cold wet miserable, I get home to my mother all upset, since her dad was having some health problems I thought it was that but nooo I found out that my brother had cancer. So yeah I guess what I am feeling right now means shit, but I feel just as bad as I did on any of those nights, I just cannot seem to find just cause.

I was feeling out of it since... Well I was going to say since I got home from school, but now that I really think about it, I guess I have not been quite right all day. I only stayed for 30mins of my CPSC lecture; I just could not take it anymore. Therefore, I sat down in the elbowroom and got some back logging done on here, the major highlight of my day. Went to FILM had to hand in my next paper, then had to talk about the film I was writing on, that was very harsh.... Then I have to go home.

When I got home the house was empty, and feeling rather down I went online to see if anyone wanted to talk, Allanon was the only one on and he didn't say anything to me, in fact we haven't even sort of communicated all night. My mood was not improving as I had to get ready for work, feel overly ugly I took a shower put on my sweats (for comfort) did full makeup was lifted a bit, only to get in the Buick in winter driving to be stuck getting to work. It took me 15 mins to get from the rockyview to the park, so I was late and Rob was in the Green Room taking the box eliminating the only thing my job entailed for the night.

As the night dragged on, I sat alone in the Green Room wandering around on the net, I didn't touch the bit of homework I could have done, I didn't work on the blanket I am making, I didn't even get more vamping done on this diary, I requested some new reviews, and keep looking bad time and again to see if anyone said anything. No updates, No e-mails, no guestbook, no new people, no hate mail, nothing. I was slowly crumbling into this dark shell of myself, as I spent half the night slumped against the safe rocking myself, to hold it together. I did not see anyone but Rob all night. Nothing I felt like I had fallen into a huge void.

Feeling defeated and alone I got my stuff together and slumped home almost killing myself driving not once but twice. I was a good bit shaky by the time I got home.

When I got home, I made Mawce friendly Jell-O for the party tomorrow, and went to check my e-mail and such before I would watch ER @ 11:00 since I was at work for the 8:00 show. So I logged into my e-mail and one of the posts in my groups was for this site. Therefore, like the f-ing fool I am I started at 100 and worked my way through. Now anyone that knows me, know I get freaked out at the little things, after randomly clicking on one I got myself so freaked out it was like I couldn't stop clicking on them, I had my heart going so fast and I was so freaked out I was almost crying I was so upset. Luckily, 11:00 hit and I stopped looking at the site to watch ER.

Well that did not work out so well in my favour either. This is how part of the story line goes ...

A woman with 2 kids (one of them in a Harry Potter costume) comes into the ER � her youngest, a baby; fell out of a shopping cart. Kovac asks if the baby hit his head. He did, and was quiet after that, which doesn�t sound like a good thing. They pass Frank, who asks Luka what he should tell Kerry.

A few pages later, the Mom�s telling Susan how the accident happened. The Mom�s acting a little funny, and tells Susan that she�s on Zoloft because she�s currently going through a divorce and is a bit down. Her husband�s trying to gain custody of the kids. Susan is sympathetic, then asks her if she�s been drinking. She says she hasn�t, but Susan can smell it on her breath. Susan tells her she�s only trying to help. As the Mom considers this, another patient is wheeled in and Susan tells the paramedics she�ll be there in a second. She turns her attention back to the Mom, who states that she isn�t drunk. Susan asks her to take a blood alcohol test. She doesn�t answer, but asks if she can be forced to take that test, and then says she�s sorry and made a mistake. Susan tells her she�ll see her when she has news about her injured baby. Her other son, who acts like the adult in the family, enters and gives her some water to drink A few more pages later, and we find out that the baby has a skull fracture, but no bleeding, which is good. Luka and Susan argue about whether Susan should call Social Services (Susan wants to, Luka doesn�t). Then Susan goes to tell the Mom about her baby�s current condition. Susan also tells her that she�s called Social Services. Even more pages later, it seems Social Services is talking to the Mom, saying that her case could be resolved in 6 months � it seems that they�re going to take her kids from her. The Mom gives an inappropriate response about meeting her lawyer that morning and having an alcoholic drink. Later, the father shows up, and is angry. He tells her that she can screw up her own life, but not the kids.

This happens somewhere in Act II. The Mom is wandering around the hospital in a daze. She exists the hospital, passing Susan and Luka. She says she left something in her car. She goes to the car where there�s a bag of groceries, and reaches for the lighter fluid. She gets in the car, pours the lighter fluid everywhere, and just as she ignites, the son comes out and sees this. Susan�s shocked. The camera switches to the Mom�s POV � she can see her older son screaming her name, Susan holding him back. Luka runs to the car. Coop (who was walking outside with the other Resident, complaining about working in the ER) helps Luka. Paula, on fire, is pulled out of the car. The Resident�s in shock at what he�s seeing; Coop gets burned on the forehead.. Susan�s shocked but pulls herself together and helps. After the Mom�s been taken care of in the ER, Luka volunteers to tell the husband, but Susan says she�s fine and will handle it. There�s a small debate about whether the older son should see his Mom, and Luka�s trying to make Susan feel better about her decision to call in Social Services on the Mom. Susan talks to the husband and the older son, but the son doesn�t want to see his Mom, who wants to say goodbye to him. The father doesn�t want to force him to do something he doesn�t want to do.

Moreover, guess what you get to watch the whole thing, the mom poor the gas, her lighting up, her all cover in charred skin. I was just what I needed not to mention the other talk of suicide through out the show. It was not the pick me up that I needed.

Now I have come full circle, since I started this post right after ER was over, and I just finished talking about it.

I have so many other things to say but I fear this entry is took long as is so point form

- I want to cry so much
- I'm scared, alone, and upset
- I feel like I don't want to even see Allanon tomorrow at all
- don't have a choice now that i've said that
- I don't want to go to the party
- I just want to hide
- and never come out
- I'm cold


Well I'm going to bed now that an hour it has taken to write this. Great now I get to fight my mind as I lie in the dark freaked out of my willies and try to sleep for 5 hours before my alarm goes off at 6:30 (it's 1:00 am now) great, well I'm going to blow tons off money and get pissed out of my skull, even if I have to wander away to a park alone to do it.

Bedtime it is

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