Always Going To Be This Way?
May 02, 2003, 10:41 PM

Ok it has been far too long between entries I will fix that little issue later. Right now, I feel like I have to get it all out. Do you know how that is? When deep down you do not care who you might hurt, or how it sounds after it is out. All you can think are the bad feelings, the confused thoughts, the unpleasant beliefs etc�. and the contemplation that if you keep all this debris churning inside, it is going to manifest into gunk that you cannot clean out well. Ok so that is a very dreadful analogy, and at risk of looking like a bigger hypocrite, I am going to start another paragraph.

My folks are making me feel shitty all over again; it was so nice to hear from Allanon tonight it brought me up nice and happy rock steady. Now� now� they bring me so far down, and with the blaze day I had, things are looking more desolate then they have in awhile. It is not fair I was doing so well, and I am not even saying anything strange to them, to her, and she is treating me as if I am not worthy of living. The chilling reality is tonight, I believe her, and I do not think I am worth existing. The thoughts are starting, I am getting ideas, and I am making a plan. Poor Allanon no wonder he wants to leave me, I guess they are right, I will never get better, should I even bother to try? I do not seem to be making much of an impact, in any sense� damn thoughts� when I start to think "would anyone really miss me?" and then even more dangerous my mind answering (with both one *gasp* agreeing) "no, not really". Part of me wants to hit myself for thinking such things, and the other just sighs and gives in. I just want to cry, but that would make me a weak pitiful ...thing... well the best thing I am thinking right now is, please let me go to sleep and never wake. That is my biggest wish right now, coming in at a close second is wishing Allanon could be in my bed with me tonight holding me, but that is even less likely then the first wish.

So many things to say, so many troubled worries in my heart, mind, and soul. I can't get them out tonight no matter what I want, I think I'll just post this silly thing, get ready for bed and keep wishing with every ounce that I have left of me.

Later Days,
Blaze

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