The Update I Couldn't Make Yesterday.
March 13, 2003, 3:06 PM

I know what was bothering me yesterday.

I was hurting myself so badly.
I ate chips, a lot, so many that I didn't eat lunch.
I felt so gulity and let down by myself, that I gave up on my routine.
I didn't work on my paper, I felt to stupid.
I got so down all I did was nap.
I sat on the couch with the photos out, I looked for every picture of my grandpa I could find. I made myself feel pain.
Then I forgot to return the video, so that was the last straw. I knew I had to cut.
To hurt, to be hurt, to punish, to be punished.
But I got so so down I didn't even have the will to do that anymore.
And after being so happy the day before, it was the bigest hurt.

So yeah, Allanon was so upset with me last night, and I with him. Gods, I still don't know why I need to hurt myself so badly, what I put myself through that, but I know what I did to do it. That has to be some kind of start right?

Later Days,
Blaze

last - next