Hating The System more and more
October 25, 2004, 3:41 PM

I hate being me!! It's not fair, how can I get the proper feedback. When all anyone can comment on is my faults that I can't help? None of this is helpful, since the only comments I got to dealt with how I wrote not what I wrote. "Good points." But you... why are/were they good points? What other points, should I have? But no no. Why should they care about my points, when they can't see past the "Stephlish." I just feel more and more like a failure.

Maybe this is where my apathy is really coming from. It's not a lack of iron, it's just giving up. My mind? Soul? Motivation? (I'm not sure the word), said/is saying" that's it I'm out of here" *Thump, Thump, Thump... SLAM* and it left me with nothing save thoughts of "I don't give a shit" and "I guess. It's not going to matter/make a difference anyway." It doesn't help that this is spilling into other parts of my life. It's not just school, it's how I'm treating friends, family, myself. The hatred inside of me grows, it's mostly directed towards myself. I keep getting to hold how awful I am, perhaps not with words, but with the way I am treated. It's like I'm being told, because I have problems, I do not deserve to exist. I gotta say, is really hard to have a high self opinion. When faced with such a problem.

Do you know what I really feel like?

Warning Disney reference...

you know the part in beauty and the beast. When Belle's father goes into the tavern, when Belle has been kidnapped, and runs around like mad trying to get somebody to help him save Belle. And what do they do? They mock him, the laugh at him, and then when he seems relieved that they will actually help him. It turns out, it's just a cruel joke, and they thrown out on his bottom. And all he can do is ask "Will no one help me?" Yeah... that's it right there, that's exactly how I'm feeling about school and how I'm being treated. I let them know my needs. I try to make the efforts to get the accommodations are require. Yes I know I'm a wrench in your system, but all I do is ask and you throw me out and laugh. Yes yes ha ha, that is very funny... no!!

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