*sigh* more questions, few answers.
October 07, 2004, 10:17 PM

Well it seems like everyone is writing away save moi, and you know something? That pisses me off. However, I guess the real question I should be asking is what I am pissed at? The people that are writing, because they are writing? On the other hand, am I more pissed off at myself for not writing when other people can? Again comes my personal ideas that I am not good enough. Damn it all Blaze, what the hell does that mean? You think you are not good enough for what? For who? And why? ... The problem is, that if I had the answers to these questions (or even inkling to their directions) then I gather that I would not be feeling the way that I am. Do you not just love complexities?

Ok mini rant over ... for the moment. On to ... ok more ranting.

Ok so there is the yutz in my film class that is the smarmiest person that I have met in a while. So the class before us gets out at 15:20 our class starts at 15:30 I always wait 5 mins or so to give the other class a chance to get out before I sit down, this yahoo however as soon as the 1st person leaves the other class he barrels in. That bothered me. Then the professor asks the class what our opinion is on this random topic, and most of the class is sitting there not wanting to answer this dopey question, this dumb ass raises his hand and asks the prof what the Prof Think. I mean really, why would you do that? You can hear in the room the anger pointed at this person. Then some other person raised their hand and asked the prof another question, the prof threw it out to the class, no one raised their hand at first, save the jerk, and the prof said other then you. Then he leaves class early at a real bad time. Does that not give an indication of the rage one can have at evil stupidity?

Even after all that I did not and do not say anything. It is as if I have become something that is not what I perceive to be the real me.

I am starting to feel empty inside. There are these big holes, which need to be filed. I have a small idea about some of the things that could make me a complete person again, but over all I feel like I'm driving a car blindfolded, while trying to shoot dear in a heavy wooded forest (how's that for a parallel?). The only thing that is keeping me sane (I think at times) is that I have the hope that someone will stop the car, or at the very least take the wheel, so I can take off the blindfold (with or without help) and then walk with me teaching me how to look for the deer, and shoot them with a camera not a gun.

Ooh look at all the metaphorical analogies. However, what good is it if no one understands what I am getting at. Alternatively, if I do not know what I was getting at, when I reread this.

I ask questions, to help myself understand and find answers, and all the "universe" gives me are new/more questions. Does that seem right (I mean right not correct) to anyone else?

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