What is the point?
January 18, 2006, 8:16 PM

Perhaps I'm just having a down moment or maybe I'm just trying to fight something that will always be a part of me (in which case I am just being a stupid loser); either way at this particular moment and feeling that might entire existence is futile.

All right reading that back to myself it sounds extremely melodramatic. I wonder if I'm just feeling that there is no point in existing in this online endeavour ... I and feeling as it there isn't anybody in a world that's not directly touched me on a face-to-face basis that cares anymore. In addition, I don't care at this moment how self-centered and egotistical that sounds.

I mean honestly if that is what's being perceived in my head than it doesn't really matter what the truth is... as I have decided that's reality. Reality and perception have a very thin very blurred line of differentiation.

Perhaps my reason for being blunt and melodramatic has to deal with more of the fact that I want attention, mixed with some recognition, and maybe the fact that I want my presence to be enjoyed. So I'm fishing for complements or for people to say "yes please Stephanie, stay continue to write I love you" but I know that's a pipe dream as under scurrying favour in seeking negative attention. All of which just leads me in wanting to beat myself up.

I guess I like the idea of writing for an audience, one of the reasons I never hid my diary when I was younger, or the fact that I was that my friends read my diary. I want feedback for my thoughts I want help in understanding the crazy conglomerates of my brain. I want people to tell me what they want to hear about me.

However, who am I to be asking for these favours? I'm nobody, people have so much going on in their lives why should anyone gives a rats ass about me, my problems, or what I'd like?

Recently over the past few months, everything I ever thought I was has been smashed in shattered leading me broken and feeling rather helpless. I know "poor little Stephanie" but what the fuck... I needed to get this out of my head; I'm angry and bitter.

I just want help rediscover who I am, who I have become, or who I have the potential to be. I have lost all will to do things that used to once inspire, motivate, and thrill me.

Without knowing who I am, what I want, or what drives me ... then what the hell is the point living?

Whatever ... it's not as if writing this down is going make any difference to me anyway.

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