To put it Plainly
November 03, 2003, 1:01 PM

Well it would seem that the ugly monster of depression has come asking to be my friend.

Well if that was not the dumbest thing I ever put down.

I feel like crap, but the odd thing is this new wave of sorrow I covering me like a blanket. It is heavy, kind of warm and to be honest I do not want to cast it off. I want to wrap it tighter around me.

I guess that sounds very sick. I have to say I do not understand it. I feel it; I know it and most of me feels like a big heavy sigh. I Hate that.

I need to feel more then this, more then this dark consuming nothing. What I would really like is a good cry. Maybe that is why I picked a fight with Allanon yesterday, so I would get upset and cry. Alternatively, be very angry and have good reason for being upset.

The truth is that I just need help. The problem is though; I have no time or money to get anything "real". I mean I don't even know what kind of help I need, All I know is that I'm lost in my head. I am stuck between two things, which are going to end up killing me if I do not pick sides.

On the one hand I have what I am doing, how I act on the outside. It is this over shell of dull morbid pain. Yet, on the inside, the part you cannot explain with logic and words. I know what is going on, I see all the bad things and the damage I am doing to everything that is I. You know it is like one of those flash back type things in the movies. I can see everything, I have the knowledge and the wisdom, I can see myself making all the bad choices and I'm yelling at myself to stop and wake up, but the other me has no idea I'm even there.

Then there am I am stuck in the middle of these to sides, not seeing everything but knowing too much about both. It is tearing me apart. I am so worried.

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