Not Much Better Then Nothing
February 25, 2005, 2:41 PM

I do not know what to say, and the stupid thing is I have so much on my mind right now.

I just do not know what to say that the present moment I am feeling extremely frustrated and some anger. I am having a few moments that if you were watching me on TV there would be the soundtrack going "aww".

I had some good conversations with people over the last couple of days. We talked about some stuff that really got me thinking and I understand things a lot better now. However, I do not think that I could think about sharing them, to write them down, or to explain to myself that I get it seems almost impossible.

I do not know why I hold things back to myself more often than not. That is not exactly true. I guess I am scared of myself. I hated myself for so long, and in many ways, I still do. I am too close to things right now; with a little bit of pushing it can come all out and talk to somebody that I trust that I trust myself. I can talk to myself. I do not want a record of my events so that I can recall them. It is almost as if I do not want to exist.

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