Make Sense of What You Can
March 03, 2005, 4:57 PM

I have so many thoughts running around in my mind lately yet the possibility, of putting "pen-to-paper" as it will, has all but vanished. I feel so hopeless I used to write and take great pleasure in it, now however, there is nothing. As if, I am living in a great abyss. The Abyss fills my waking life, my dream world, my world (you have to know me well to have heard about that place), and everything that I might have connected to myself in the spiritual sense. All of these ... Gone. My greatest fear is that they have left and will never come back. Even if they were dead I might feel relief, Memory, or that something might come back to take their place. However, I do not feel that they are dead. I do not feel that they are missing. I do not feel hope, wanting, waiting, or care.

I gather that I would say to myself that I thought I had a hole in my soul but that is not it at all. It is more along the lines that I am in the hole, that I am the one/thing that has disappeared. It is as if everything about me still exists and that I have been snuffed out. I did not die but I do not live. My things are not lost, I am.

I want structure in my life. I need to make a working foundation before I can live in the house. Err ... Maybe only DA will understand that reference to rubble...

This has been one of the hardest entries I have ever written. Not in the "soul-searching-I-finally-get-it-pain" sense but in the literal, physcal, and actual writing of this entry. That would not have taken me so long etc if I were not so gone.

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