I am broken beyond repair
April 07, 2002, 4:00 p.m.

I am at a small point that it feels like if I just get one thing in my life then everything will be fixed. I need a job so I can get the money to move away from my mom and dad, or to get the little things that I would like, or the money to go to a different university or something, I need a job to make money to get a job that I like, like the idea of a cruse or that thing with south western (do not worry I wont take that job, but the point is that I can not take it even if I wanted to)

I have let myself down, I have let everyone down, I cannot do anything right. I cannot even do the things I want to do for me. I am a failure.

I have gained so much weight! Not long ago (months maybe) I could fit into my jeans fine, then that surgery, and when I could wear jeans again I could not wear MY jeans again, I could not get them over my hips, or bottom :o(this was most upsetting. I had to buy new clothes, which were four sizes bigger. I have always had problems with the way I look, and this was a HUGE toll on me. The letters I want to write! My one stupid little hobby that I have wanted forever and I cannot seem to get myself to sit down and write all these wonderful people, and I want to so bad. But no I do not the weeks go by, and I do not write back, and then I get to the point and I tell myself it is been to long so what is the point. I feel awful. Moreover, the big thing right now is this stupid, stupid thing with my PHIL (philosophy) paper! That is a whole entry unto it own.

Then I sit and think, "Well, right now I do have at least had one friend, and my Kalfalfa who love me more than anything does! �All you need is love,� I thought so too but the more I think about it, if love is the case while do I feel the BAD feeling inside. So all I could think was that it had something to do with myself.

I do not love myself in fact I down right hate myself, you know it is like when you have a best friend that did something to you (like letting you down) and you end up enemies and hating each other? Well maybe that is what my life is to me; I am in a like- hate relationship with myself. *Sigh* I think I am making myself sick; I get some weird feelings, as if I am sick. However, the next moment I feel fine.

What can I say I feel like I have lost everything dear to me I know that does not make any sense to any one reading this? I have not lost anything really in the physical sense of the term.

All I want to do is cry I feel like I have let myself down, more than I will ever be able to fix.

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