Sheep, Scars & Sex
June 13, 2002, 11:49 PM

writing takes up so much effort, or at least it seems to now a days. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but here I am feeling upset with myself for doing everything I know I shouldn't be doing, like feeling super gulity for not writing in here more often, but who cares how much/often I write? It's my diary.







Anyway not the point, I have gotten a wonderful screenmate on mu computer that I was introduced to some time ago when I was in Jr high. they're called the sheep, and they are so very cute. they walk around the screen, interact, snezze, cry, bahh, get obducted by aleins, fall in love, bounce, hang on to the edege of you window, and even get hurled accross the sreen flaming only to land in a bathtub at the bottom.

they were a source of many a note passing, among other things in jr high. they bring back good times and memories. It's nice to have them walking around again.







My arms haven't been this cut up since, well, for many months now.that a long time for somone who self muttlaes heavely. I can't say I'm enjoying the feelings that are causing me to cut, or feel the need to cut.

Todaywas really bad, I was cutting at work, and not while on my break, or even whne I was all alone in the store, I was doing it right "out loud" I haven't done THAT in for forever. It was really just a set of poor timings and harsh words (directed at me) that was the "last straw". I even had to ask someone to watch the store for a few mins. so I could get to the washroom and cry. I'm pissed at myself for that one more than anything.

I really don't want to get into the details of what, happened, well not in this entry anyway. But I was so bad I called Mawce and he hates phones, and wasn't home anyway. I don't know what it's made today such a much bigger deal just 'cause I felt I need to call Mawce, maybe I'll get it soon.







Allanon and I hate been not to good lately. Both of are "other" lives have been unwell lately (more details of another entry) and it's been making "us" bad, we just don't know how to help eachother and yet ask for are own help at the same time. nither of us, is coping well with anything, myself a little more I think. Yet our bodies seem to be helping us out, by likeing eachother sooooooo much.

He and I have had some good no stuff over the past few days, everytime, we get no, anad fix eachother, I think 'this is the best it's ever been". I'm taking that as a 100% GOOD sign.

Allanon is really good at making me forget the bad in my day. it's only my arms that remind me how I really feel. We really need to talk, about us, about our "other" lives, the problem is we only get brief moments together and we spend the time get no and, trying to make things calmed down, will trying to date, go out,rent movies, be silly, build thing together etc... anad talking takes longer than we have. So of course talking keeps getting pushed back till everything opens itself up again and this time with backup. we get into big sight..... I'm so worried about him, about us. We need time to talk. I hope the powers that be will help us out. I really need, want & love him, too muxh to lose him.

Later Days,
Blaze

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