Reasons ... Part 1
October 05, 2003, 4:50 PM

It occurs to me that I have never explained why I have none of my old friends. That and the fact that I want a "hard" copy of what happened.

Ok so here's the deal ... I have 2 conversations saved that explain everything that happened. but there huge and long so I'm going to split them into 2 different entries. I just hope this gives a better understanding.

Convo #1 Blaze & Pepe

REMINDER: Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

Blaze says:
hey

Pepe says:
Hey

Blaze says:<
I supode you hate me too

Pepe says:
oh we don't hate you

Blaze says:
HA!!

Blaze says:
Lies!

Pepe says:
We just don't understand you

Blaze says:
I know you you don't get

Blaze says:
ok ok then your all mad at me

Pepe says:
Everyone is just looking for an explaination

Blaze says:
nobody is willing to listen you've all judged me, the girls are pissed at me ... and I know Miss Mitch is perfect and I'm a bitch, because I made the perfect person feel bad

Blaze says:
it wasn't supost to be like that you know

Pepe says:
I'm willing to listen

Blaze says:
I want to say good bye

Blaze says:
sure you are

Pepe says:
Well, am I screaming, "horrible horrible"?

Blaze says:
and then tell everyone just what I'm saying

Blaze says:
no, but I bet your thinking it

Pepe says:
I'm confused, really

Blaze says:
why?

Pepe says:
because you don't seem to want to tell anyone _why_ you couldn't come.

Blaze says:
well, there's a few reasons

Pepe says:
and I'm sure everyone would feel a whole lot better if you let them know what they were.

Blaze says:
I would doubt it, I'm almost sure that you or anyone else will understand my reasons

Blaze says:
who else is "mad" at me?

Pepe says:
other than who? and try me.

Blaze says:
other than Miss D Miss Ghaner you and Miss K12

Pepe says:
If there's anyone else, I don't konw

Blaze says:
p.s. sorry about the dely I had a phone call

Pepe says:
10.4

Blaze says:
who else was at the party

Pepe says:
I think Mike#2 & Miss K12's Guy were there.

Pepe says:
Mike#2 might have gone home.

Pepe says:
by then

Blaze says:
ah but I'm sure he's heard by now

Pepe says:
Now, why are you so reluctant to tell anyone your reasons?

Blaze says:
because I think the'll be stupid to you and the others I don't know if you'll belive them , and I didn't want to hurt any one and I might but sinceing you all dilike me anyway does it matter anymore?

Pepe says:
There's no way of knowing how anyone would react to your explainations without trying, and there's no harm that can come of it.

Pepe says:
And it still matters, because if you don't let people know why you couldn't be there, they'll come up with reasons for you

Pepe says:
and judge you based on those.

Blaze says:
they all ready have

Pepe says:
but those are just guesses.

Pepe says:
and they aren't written in stoen

Blaze says:
I'm sure you have your own right now

Pepe says:
I'm sure that everyone would be grateful to hear what you have to say.

Blaze says:
right

Pepe says:
I think that people are most upset because you're being so secretive about this.

Blaze says:
will you tell me what other are thinking?

Blaze says:
WHAT!?

Pepe says:
I don't _*know* what the others are thinking

Pepe says:
well, you refuse to tell anyone *why*

Pepe says:
which only fills them with questions.

Pepe says:
and uncertainty

Blaze says:
how am I being that the only person I have talked to is Miss Ghaner and that was only an hour ago and that's the frist I have heard of any of this

Pepe says:
I'm speculating

Blaze says:
ok what are YOU thinking then

Blaze says:
what are the questions that are flosting around

Pepe says:
There aren't any questions "floating around" that I know of, but I'm sure that they must be wondering, firstly, "is Blaze alright?"

Pepe says:
Because I don't think it's like you to just decide you don't feel like showing up.

Pepe says:
Which, without any evidence to the contrary, is what it ends up looking like.

Blaze says:
well I was working till 9

Blaze says:
that's not the full reason though

Pepe says:
alright.

Pepe says:
and of course there's more.

Blaze says:
yes, that's the part I do't think, you'll understand

Pepe says:
Again, try me.

Blaze says:
does everyone just think i'm trying to be mean?

Pepe says:
No, I don't think so.

Pepe says:
And I'm not here to judge you.

Blaze says:
I just want to know what I did that was SOO bad in everyone's mind to make them all be really mad at me

Pepe says:
You didn't show up at Miss Day's farewell party, and you aren't really saying why.

Blaze says:
nobody asked, Miss Mitch called me around 10ish right and she said I'm haveing a party tonight can you still come, I said isn't rather late and she said I guess so, so I siad ok then , I guess I talk to you later, and she said ok... whole conversation

Pepe says:
and she didn't say anything earlier about it?

Blaze says:
I only got a note in my mail box, not saying who what or why a party I had to work it was late and she made it sound like on the phone that she also thought it was late

Pepe says:
Okay, and the note said, "I just thought we should all get together one more time before school starts"?

Blaze says:
no my note never sayed that

Pepe says:
that's what mine said. what did yours say?

Pepe says:
i think this is important.

Blaze says:
um I'll have to get it

Pepe says:
Will that take long/

Blaze says:
I was worng my note did say that

Pepe says:
when did you get it?

Pepe says:
it must have been on the 27th?

Blaze says:
either monday or tuesday

Pepe says:
I think she went out on monday to deliver them, around 8pm

Pepe says:
at least, I think that's when I got mine.

Blaze says:
ok

Pepe says:
Now, I take it nobody called you about it between you getting the note, and Miss Mitch calling you?

Blaze says:
right

Pepe says:
Okay, when you read the note, what did you think?

Blaze says:
I called Miss Ghaner In the moring 'cause I counldn't get a hold of Miss Mitch and told her that I was working and to pelse tell Miss Mitch

Pepe says:
Okay

Pepe says:
What I really need to know here is what you don't think anyone will understand.

Pepe says:
Because this is close to being a completely reasonable explaination.

Blaze says:
and what did I think I thought that I couldn't make it to the pool becaues of work and people would have been mad at me for coming for such a short time (they have before) and then I thought it would be done earlay and it was yto be just the rangers

Blaze says:
and quite frankly I didn't want to go... I supose you want to know why

Pepe says:
yes.

Pepe says:
that's exactly what I want to know.

Blaze says:
the thought of saying yes to the invation made me sad and dreading the day the thought of saying no gave me great relife.. again I soupe you want to know why

Pepe says:
just a sec...

Pepe says:
can I guess?

Blaze says:
sure

Pepe says:
The thought of saying "no" made it seem like she wasn't really leaving?

Blaze says:
no, that not it

Pepe says:
Okay, I'm sorry then...

Pepe says:
Will you tell me?

Blaze says:
oh don't be

Blaze says:
*sigh* ok but this is the tough part

Pepe says:
You don't *have* to, But I'd appreciate it.

Blaze says:
I hate being with the girls

Pepe says:
Do you mind if I ask why?

Blaze says:
sure you can ask, I feel left out I have grown apart form them, that's why I say no to going to movies and varis other things I feel like shit when ever I'm with them... I spent most night cry myself to sleep in Eourope becaues I was having such a bad time I wan'ed to go home SOOO badly I always feel left out and it makes me sad, I feel upset when I'm with them and I do stuff with them and at the

Blaze says:
end of the night I wish I haen't gone

Pepe says:
That makes perfect sense, actually

Blaze says:
oh??

Pepe says:
yes, it does.

Pepe says:
Do you feel like they resent you, at times?

Blaze says:
most of the time

Blaze says:
almost all of the time actuly

Pepe says:
That's what it sounds like.

Pepe says:
I know exactly how that feels.

Pepe says:
You feel like you don't really belong.

Blaze says:
I know I don't belong

Pepe says:
like you're not really a part of the group anymore

Pepe says:
just a third wheel?

Blaze says:
it's like they only invite me so there not breaking up the 5 of us

Pepe says:
Because it's tradition

Blaze says:
extaly and I don't want to be a part of that... I was going to say good bye to Miss Mitch I tryed calling her but I got her mashen and I didn't want to say anything that way.. it seemed tacky... and I worked and she left...

Pepe says:
So, it's not that you didn't care that she was leaving, but rather that you really wanted to say goodbye to her, but in a way that you didn't feel like you were just an afterthought

Pepe says:
Blaze?

Blaze says:
yeah...

Blaze says:
and I didn't want to do it with all the girls I thought it was just a prty not the goodbye party

Pepe says:
Well, case closed.

Blaze says:
I didn't think so wich is why I'm so upset that people are really mad at me blaming me and TRYING to make me feel bad about the whole ordeal

Pepe says:
So...

Pepe says:
you already feel bad enough about the whole ordeal without their help

Blaze says:
yup

Blaze says:
and can you see kinda why I didn't think they would listen or undersatnd

Blaze says:
?

Pepe says:
Yes.

Blaze says:
are you going to tell everyone now?

Pepe says:
Not if you don't want me to.

Pepe says:
But what I think you _should_ do is talk to Miss Dayl,.

Blaze says:
i know but how can I do that... and e-mail seems way to impersonal to talk about this with her

Pepe says:
Well, can you wait for thanksgiving/

Pepe says:
because then you'd have the chance to talk to her in persojn

Blaze says:
yes, I can wait do you think that would be aporpeate

Pepe says:
Well, that's for you to decide.

Blaze says:
I think that would be fine ... but...

Pepe says:
but?

Blaze says:
but Miss Mitch

Blaze says:
she would need/ want to know sooner

Pepe says:
Well, if you think you can do it on the phone, then do it there.

Pepe says:
I know that the phone still seems impersonal.

Blaze says:
I could phone that would be fine I think I don't know the #

Pepe says:
I'm sure there wouldn't be a problem phoning Miss Day's house to get the number from her parents in a day or a few days.

Blaze says:
ok I'll do that then

Pepe says:
Which leaves us with: what do you want to do about everyone here?

Blaze says:
you can tell them if they ask, I think I'll tell Miss Ghaner... I don't know Miss D well enoght to tell her... and I just can't talk to Miss K12 about it... so if they ask or you feel you want/need to tell them them it's fine with me if you copy and paste what I worte tonight

Pepe says:
I'm sure that if you tell Miss Ghaner, everyone else is bound to get the news within a day.

Blaze says:
yes I know, but if she askes or anyone you can tell it might be easyer if you say that way the can't missunderstand to my face and they can ask me question after

Pepe says:
could you... repeat that?

Blaze says:
if you tell them it will be easier on them, to hear it from a third party and easier on me to be out of the forefire

Pepe says:
Do you want me to sugarcoat it?

Blaze says:
no!

Pepe says:
okay

Blaze says:
so...

Pepe says:
What I mean is, tell it to them in a way they can understand, like.

Blaze says:
yes you can do that

Pepe says:
Well I hope I've been of some help.

Blaze says:
yes it was nice to see that someone understod where I was coming from and i don't feel so angry and hurt

Pepe says:
well, if I end up getting together with Miss Ghaner tomorrow, do you want me to talk with her about this?

Blaze says:
yes

Pepe says:
I can do that.

Blaze says:
ok

Pepe says:
But what I should do now is probably go to bed.

Blaze says:
ok

Pepe says:
goodnight.

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