Longing to identify with mentality.
March 22, 2004, 3:47 PM

I know how it can feel to need to talk to someone, even when you do think it helps at the time. As stupid, as this is going to sound (to someone in a dark state of mind) you will only go as far as you want. In other words, even if somewhere deep in you, (some place you do not even know you have), you do not want to go THAT far, then your body/mind/soul will not let you. It is for that reason alone, I know there is some kind of powers that be

The funny thing about talking things over in my head is that everything you say and think sounds 100% worse then when you say it aloud. I hate how I think I know what I feel, then I talk to someone and the pain doesn't seem as bad, it makes me feel like I have lost something even when I tell myself I shouldn't "love" the bad feelings

I know how odd it seems to me look at all the crap I do to myself, and how far and "good" I think I have gotten ... this weekend has been bad ... but it has taken me 8 years before I have tried to change

Honestly tried to change

I found out, that the thing that was holding me back. I was lying to myself. That one single thing made all the difference. I hate it. I hate that, to a point, I still do it I hate the limbo I am in when my mind is still lying, but I am aware of it now

At times it looks like I have made a good progress, but it is not always good mostly it's not

It is like watch your friends hurt themselves. You know it is wrong, and you want them to get better. You get why they are doing it you know the pain they feel. However, you tell them to stop when you are doing the same things. The guilt, the anger, and the disgust at yourself. That is what I am doing in my head 24/7 now. I am tearing myself apart some days. No, it is not always good. I think, I would rather be here I hate ignorance more.

I know I used to think, (that if I ever thought that I could get �better)�, that if I really wanted to get better ... things would start to look better, better, and better. However, things do not and I hate it. I hate that I was na�ve but things change. I made a choice and the only thing I am trying to do now is try not to have any assumptions.

it took me till I was in grade 12 to even know what it was I was doing and then thinking I should stop (for me) and then it has taken me 3 more years after that, to be where I am.

I cut last week I have a plan to die but there is something really different in my head something I can't even talk to Allanon about there are no words

Things did not change when I was done high school. Or when I started uni. Or when turned 18 or when I will turn 21. I hit my lowest mind set when I got to those points and I was still doing the same shit to myself. I worry that I think by not eating for days will bring back a "will power" I think I had

Change is not like lightning. Not for you, or me, or the real people like us.

Things will change if you want them too but it will be some random day when nothing special happens it might be one little thing you hear and then something will snap in you and things will start to change isn't good, change isn't bad, change is having things shift

You can never be too far-gone there is no such thing, which is why. Even if you are still going down that's still going there are others down there it still the same stuff, just a different place. You are who you are there is no to far

The fact that you talk even to be upset, and that entries are written, and all the things you are saying in your head right now. the ones that are saying "know what she is saying, I hear her, wow really" I hear the little tiny hope (you are thinking) that is scaring the shit out of you hope is the worse thing when you are like this.

Black and dark is comfortable it is all you feel you have ever known so even when you "change" you are still holding on to the black. It is like being tied to a big rubber band. You walk very hard to reach the light, but its tough work. You think you are doing wonderful things but you lose your footing and that rubber band shoots you back. Back faster then anything, back to where you started and further. all the ground you made... gone... now you have to work harder to get back to where you started and you didn't want to be there in the first place

I do not want to "get better" I just want to trust in me not you not any outside stuff but me

See the thing is, that is why we cut and do not eat and exercise our heads off all those things are outside stuff quick fixes for big issues you can't see things when your thoughts shift how do you explain these thoughts? You cannot not to me not to anyone. At least you cannot explain it any better then people can explain love, or life.

But people can see the scars, the waist line, the a on a paper and you can see them to

The frustration and confusion, is horrid you need to feel and see things that you understand

Touch, sight, taste, sounds, smells all things we use to deal with the outside we are taught about them right form the get go they are so simple so when things are out of control we go back to the easiest "pat the bunny"

Which is why talking to some one that gets it, is the best feeling. You do not have to explain they already get it. Then you have to deal with your own thoughts. They wash over you, when you are paying attention to someone else, but when the taking stops you are only left with you, your mind, and the truth.

Talk about distressing exposure. I think that is why we try to push people away, yet hold them close at the same time. We crave to understand our minds.

Nevertheless, I ramble, what do I know? It is different for everyone

last - next