Is This The Dawn Of A New Blaze?
January 03, 2004, 11:56 PM

I don't write enough anymore. Something I really have to work on. Despite that I don't have too much that I really want to put here tonight. So go me and "breaking" my own "rules". Well what can you do about it?All I know is that I am going to make tomorrow a good day.

I know that many self-help books and stuff, say that "YOU can only change if YOU want to. YOU are in control of YOUR life..." and so on. Even writing it there makes it sound stupid. However, I think its true, for the frist time in my life. I still don't like the way any self-help crap puts that idea across. I'm going to make changes in my life, I want things to be different. I'm even realy starting to trust and belive myself, a scary relization.

So, starting the moment I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to start a happy little routine, orgainze my life/room/computer junk/school/money... and *cross fingers/toes/arms/eyes/legs/...* get a head start on things that I have been talking about doing since I was in grade 8.

As Allanon pointed out to me, I say this kind of crap all the time (more so every year). This feels different somehow, it's not the start of the year, or the start of a week, or anything that feels normal. Inside I feel as I always do, worried, scared, things are crappy, self doubt, hated. I hate myself when I look in the mirror, everything bad is still there. I think the difference might be, that I know what I'm doing now, it's like I'm no longer blind. This stuborn, surge, of determantion is coming in so strong.

I want so badly to explain all of this, I know what I feel, I want to be able to put it into words so that people don't think I'm just spouting my usual crap, and so I can understand and work with myself. I tell you I don't want to be fighting myself, or I know everything will break down. That would suck.

Well I guess I had more to say then I thought, hmmm I like that and I feel good, this is all so different, in many ways I hope it lasts.

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