I hate how much I hate myself.
April 27, 2004, 11:13 PM

Well I am "all done" school for another year. Yuck, that last test was beyond brutal. I say fack you all, to whoever said thinking positive helps. I was not feeling very confident about the amount/quality of studying that I had done for this exam, I was studying a lot more then I have/had, but everything was feeling wrong. I was sure that I wasn't going to do very well anyway, then I thought that I should go see my prof about that paper that I had to re hand in ... I was so worried. The paper was fine, she had not even looked at it yet, so she opened it up skimmed it and then changed my mark from an F to a C+. I was feeling better, I was relived over the paper I still had 2 hours before my exam, and I sat down a figured out my marks for the class. It looks like if I calculated everything right, if I did not bother to take the final I would get a C overall in the course. I got a C+ overall last semester, so that made me feel ok.

I got into the exam, I know a usual super panicky I am going to die thing, but not this time, I looked over the exam and I knew the questions, I was starting to plan, no brain block. In my mind I was think "Damn Blaze, you're going to do well, I think you have a real good shot at this test". Know I have to tell you I do not think I have ever had that run through my mind on a test.

Too Bad four hours later I was almost in tears, hurting so badly, thinking I was the worst failure, not worth ... not worth anything. I did not really finish the exam. It was four long answer questions worth 30% and 2 essay questions worth 40% each. I think I did a real good job on the long answer but when I was done, I only had 1 hour to do two essays. I just could not do it, I wrote what I could in point from, but I am not sure I even cover the questions. I knew what I was going to say, I know � for the 1st time I knew, and I couldn�t finish 4 hours and I couldn�t do it ... I even budgeted my time out, pick my questions thought up the outline, and I choked, there is no way I will get 50%. I will I cannot think is that I need to e-mail my prof and BEG for mercy. It is just so cruel for the first time I fell good about a test and I still could not cut it.

I hate how the educational system (and myself) does this to me. If I am away from the system my intellect is my greatest honour, I am so smart, clever, witty, and damn good at anything I try, even if I fake it. Nevertheless, if you judged me through the system I am an idiot savant. It does not make me feel good, all I can feel is hate. I hate the system. I hate the classes, the money I have to pay to feel like this, the pain it causes me. I hate all of you, and your �good� marks, and your short test, and you are� I hate how much I hate myself. Trying does not count for anything, I know what I am capable of, but I have nothing to prove it. Worse, I have everything to disprove it. I hate being told that every time I have a good idea, or when I put hard effort and my talent into something and I get that mark back telling me that I�m wrong to think I�m smart. What good is it to have any ability when you cannot get acknowledgement from anyone or anything? Not even from yourself.

This is too much for me; I am sitting here with tears running down my face, thinking of all the ways to take this horrible frustration out on myself, because it is my problem. This is too emotional for me I have to stop.

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