Did I Ever Mention?
April 11, 2003, 10:51 PM

Did I ever mention how much I can hate my mother, she is bitch me out of the only thing that can make me feel sane in this world. Especially at the worst of times. I have being having such a rough go as of late, but I have held it just barely together. Now I do not think I can, and the more I think about it the more upset I become. Something just is not right with that. I am going to lose it. There is the HUGE Part of me that wants to lose it. Gods damn it why did he have to hide all my tools.

Gee and I get bitchy at people for being crypt. I worry about getting into more detail then that, as if I think about it the tears start to flow near a spilling point, I WILL NOT CRY I am better then that. My chest starts to hurt, and I get mad, upset, and that much closer to slicing my arms up. I am not so sure I will not do it anyway. I have the responsibility to tell Allanon I feel like this. I have the desperate need to talk and bitch about my mother to some one. However, I fear that whomever I talk to might put me under the restraint of not being able to cut, or cry. I do not need to feel worse; I cannot have my options taken away from me tonight. If that happens, I fear that my frustration will mount to a point that, I may start to plan, taking my own life. I have worked so hard, I have been trying so much. It is just not fair to have everything taken away from me when I have worked so hard, to get to this point.

I guess everyone is right, I have not made it very far, and nothing in me had changed very much. I see how weak and set in my ways I am. I just thought I was making a difference this time. I thought I was doing something right. I thought that this time way different. Of course, now I see how wrong I was/am. What a foolish little girl I am.

Later Days,
Blaze

last - next