"Mercy to the guilty is cruelty to the innocent."
December 17, 2004, 9:40 PM

Well, this has been oh so much fun. I feel really lousy. I have spent most of the night making myself throw up. I don't mean that in the bulimic sense, although there were moments tonight where I felt that might be necessary, I mean more in the fact that I am so stressed out that I have become physically ill. I do not suppose it helps that I drank it full pot of coffee by myself and four litters of water, so it feels like I have given myself a kind of ulcer. Of course, the weather in Calgary has decided to be particularly lovely at this point what with Chinooks and, all so my migraine/tension headaches are at their prime.

And to add to all of that I have this incredible nagging guilt.

Perhaps it's not so much the intensity of a particular guilt is more along the lines of the compounding of the several things I feel guilty about creating one large guilt.

I feel guilty that I have not seen Allanon in three days, will be supposed that is not entirely true, as she did stop by for about 45 minutes this evening. And to boot we did not fight, although we came pretty close, but this time it was entirely my fault. I thought he was my father when he stepped in the door and I kind of brushed him off. I was right in the middle of a project and I didn't really want to be interrupted, he off all people should know how that feels. Not that I'm saying I was justified. So I feel guilty for not spending nearly enough time with him as I should. I was kind of worried that this might happen. I mean, he finished his last exam first thing this morning, and I don't even start my exams until 8 AM on Tuesday so he is all finished in wanting to spend time with me stress free, and I am starting to be in super panic mode about the looming deadline of my examinations. It doesn't help that I was planning to go shopping with him and his sister first thing this morning after his exam. But when I thought about it can really didn't think I could justify spending a couple of hours out in the malls really needed to spend time studying as today, and Monday or my only two full days to spend getting ready for these exams. So I have guilt about that.

I also have guilt about tomorrow. You see, I found out that Karen from work well she's one of the volunteers that worked at the front gate, I love her to pieces she's one of the best volunteers, we have and I know she was planning on having a Christmas party, but I found it yesterday that she's planning it for tomorrow. Very bad timing. She lives in Bonnavista which is probably a good half an hour drive from my house. Normally, I wouldn't mind at even kind of wanted to go. However I have to work tomorrow, which means I might get snips and snatches of studying done. But I really can't guarantee myself and it more than half an hour. So that takes until four o'clock. Then I'm supposed to be a crisis by 630. That leaves me only an hour at home to study. Plus the fact that it's my parents' annual wine party. That both Allanon and I were invited to which starts at seven. And I knew about that one for over a month. I knew about Karen's thing for one day, and I don't want to see my boss. I haven't seen sue since the 12 days of Christmas started to dinner on still the best boss I've ever had. But I have no desire to urge to see her, none. So I feel really guilty about not wanting to go. I just don't think I can justified the time. I can always run away from my mom and dads party to go upstairs, and shut myself in my room and study for good amount of time without having to worry about travel or drinking or disappointing somebody. But I feel like such as not for saying no, I mean. I know if I have to say no. Then I have to say no. But it's eating me up inside.

And I talk of that all. I feel in incredably guilty about the amount of work have accomplished, in regards to the studying. I have studied for almost two days straight, but it really should be more I'm supposed to have. Well, I'm allowed to take a cheat sheet in. It can be both sides of the paper typed any size font we want we don't have to hand it in and I do not have one single word typed. I'm still trying to make it through the text. That is incredibly aggravating. I'm supposed to be way for their head at this point. Not for anybody else, but by my own standards and definitely for the time constraints. And the top of that I haven't even looked at the second set of information for the exam that is one-hour afterwards. I am feeling completely screwed. It's like. I am the biggest idiot in the world, and it doesn't matter how much I rationalize the percentage of each exam or the time or what they could possibly be expecting from me or what my marks are heading into the exam that feels guilty that I have let myself down, that I have somehow let days slip away from the without getting enough accomplished. I see people with the genie and Allanon and Mawce study get it done be able to stay up. Still be stressed, but that these fantastic marks. I just as smart as the rest of them and they are brilliant wonderful people, and because I cannot live up to my own expectations and potential. I feel I can never be as good as that. I feel like I have let myself down on so many levels, and I also feel it's unwarranted. It's like I'm stuck between super huge rocks in the biggest hard place I could ever think of.

I suppose that's where that feeling of bulimic tendencies was coming from. If you can't ties one I make yourself throw up. Then I yell at myself as I just feel like I'm being stupid, which I am. Of course feeling stupid is what got me to want to cut in the first place. Damn vicious cycles.

Not that I wanted to typed at I think I'm using the wrong choice of words. Perhaps I'm just in the same state of mind, I get before I want to cut, or hurt myself or feel really upsets or eat 10 tn. of ice cream (and buy ice cream, I mean food in general).

I have written a lot. My headaches and I'm not entirely sure I feel any better. I did understand with his guilt was coming from before. I just release hope I can stop throwing up. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about my relationships and worried about my social commitments, and I am really pissed off that deep down inside I feel like I'm being a complete fool I hate, not being able to help how I feel, but having their reasoning and intellect to know how foolish I am.

Perhaps someday I will get the sorted out a little bit better, but for now I must get back to studying. I've got a few old many hours ahead of me and I want to stop feeling so guilty.

Oh and as a little side note, this would be really good time to have my cat as a distraction, or comfort, or at least someone to talk to. It's been a really bad day for missing her. But that will have to wait for another entry.

Oh on last thing, again I was using my voice dictation, my mic is a bit on the fritz � so if you are having issues, just read things like mad gab, and they should make sense. It could be a fun game � Boy am I ever a sick bastard.

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