There's No Escape
October 09, 2003, 6:00 PM

I hate everything I am, I hate everything I have been, I hate everything that I will become if I stay as I am. I see no way out, well not today anyway. I was worried that I would fail, but I thought that this time I was wrong, that I was going to make it. I could beat myself for having such hopeful thinking.

Allanon says I have to stop thinking like this. I think I might really be hurting him. I know he loves me, but I can barely love myself. Nothing in my life if I cannot get myself. yet I am ... er my view of me is so warped, so twisted, so skewed I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm in the cell, I'm lost in a world the doesn't belong to me, one that has me so wrapped up and intertwined I can't just get up and walk out. I am trapped!!!!!!!!!

At Least I am aware of my surroundings, but actually, I think that might be more painful, as there is nothing I can do about it right now. I am trapped under the ice. I can see the world I should/want to be a part of. But, looking at it from under ice 3 feet thick, being pressed up against it, flaying in water I can't really do anything to break it.

Allanon said he would be my auger, which was very sweet and totally unexpected, but I do not think he can. Mostly I do not think he knows how, well that and, the fact it is completely unfair to put my 'survival' on him. I know he loves me and I know that he really want to help me out. he's so scared and worried for me. you know what? I am too.

The problem is I have no idea how to solve the problem, I am sliding down hill. Allanon wants me to be happier, more like I used to be. he said people change, then he will tell me he does not think I will ever change. Therefore, what do I do??

I'm giving up, I'm close to letting go and just float along my watery grave, until it consumers me. YET right now I want to break through. However, "I" cannot do it. My body and my mind have given up. I do not work, I do not think, I do nothing increasingly. However, my soul is crying. It sees the horror I have become, and wants something different. My body and my mind have rejected my soul... so I am stuck.

I hate to do this, but I am begging for help

SAVE ME!!!!

Please my friends! save me!! help me. tell Allanon and I how to solve my problem. tell us how to help each other. I need support. I need you. I feel so lost! help me, find me, save me. I do not want to lose you or leave you. help me, please. I am crying out for your help, with words not actions. I do not know what else to do. Please. I am so Scared, I am so frightened. please...please.... I think I am dying.

Later Days,
Blaze

last - next