My Head Is Playing Mind Games
March 08, 2003, 11:52 PM

I feel so bad for what I think and how I feel. Why can't I just stop being me? I feel super mean for wanting to ask Allanon to hold me a little tighter, a little longer. I want to ask him to sooth my fears, I need him to tell me I'm not who I think I am. I feel so unwanted, and wreached. Allanon Feels so sick, and it is I who should be taking care of him. Don't get me wrong I really want to, like tonight, it felt so good to have him wraped around me falling asleep on my tummy, his warm body, made me feel wanted and love. At the same time I could give him the care HE needs. It's too bad my head wants to play mind games with me (hmmm that sounds a bit odd), it wants to die, I don't wnat it to think those thoughts. I tell it so and ..... it laughs at me, and then I cry, and lash out at myself tryingto kill the thing on the inside, but going the only path I know of... The outside.

*sigh* that all sounds rather crypitic, and I have a long day to put in tomorrow. I want to tell all my fears, but I can't stand the thought of repremand, yet I see little point in writing it down only to hide them. I feel so lost and scared, yet I'm alone, 'cause I have to be with me all the time, there is no way to get away. I need help, but I don't know how.

Later Days,
Blaze

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