I Am Just a Messed up Little Girl
March 06, 2006, 3:15 PM

So here I am, Monday afternoon, sitting in my room listening to some random music and talking to no one. Well, that is not entirely accurate see I was talking to a few people online, but I cannot really seem to get it together to say anything to hear or really, what is on my mind. My level of honesty has dropped astronomically in the past little while. It is like I can�t Even be honest with myself and I can't lie anymore, so just don't talk at all. My internal dialogue is completely shot. In people ask what you are doing and you say nothing. I have literally done nothing. I don't even remember staring at walls. I know that Music may be on but I don't think really remember listening to it. Whole chunks of my day go by, but I don't remember anything, hours just disappear. In all of that time, I haven't slept, I really don't remember eating (yet I feel full all the time), and I definitely don't have anything to show for what I did not accomplish. It's ridiculous; I feel that my entire life is slipping away from under my feet. And I am watching it runaway without me. That is the funny thing about time it will continue to go on with or without you. No matter what I do tomorrow will still come and I will never have yesterday back.

One of the things that have brought on this vast amount of complications in my brain is what I'm doing what my schooling. As I have mentioned in a couple posts the time is encroaching upon me fast and I can't seem to get it through my head but I don't really have time. I have 40 days left before I am officially done University. Actually to be more accurate I believe Good Friday is in 39 days and my last day of classes is the day before and my only final is the Monday. More or less my university life will be completely finished in approximately 40 days. Maybe this is just freaking me out on some packed away level in my psyche and that's what's making me nervous. However, on the surface on everything I am aware of that number just does not seem to matter. It should, it really, really should. I am so the fucked up. One of the more complicated things is that I decide not to go to some of my classes and the moment I decide "hey I'm not going" all of a sudden I get really happy. I know that that means I really need to be done school.

I spend so much of my time been frustrated. I get scared about going to school, I get scared about missing classes, I get scared about grades that I could potentially get on projects, I get scared about doing said projects, I get scared so scared that I don't do the projects, then I get scared about what will happen to me if I don't do the projects. I freak out about going to classes, I freak out if I don't go to classes, I half freak out when I am sitting in a class.

Scared, I'm just all whole ton of scared. That's me, Steph, the Lilly livered chicken shit. I hate to think of myself that way. This brings up a whole other dilemma. The more I seem to learn about myself the more I hate what I find out. I�m really trying to stop hating myself, but so far it�s just another one of the things I�m failing at.

Now that I can�t rage on anymore (due too people coming home) I have to stop. So much anger, hate, sorrows, and disgust is rampant in my body. Yet, I cannot do one damn thing about it. So I hide it all away in this little ball and push. Maybe I�ll drink it away. I �lost� all my other ways of coping, so maybe I�ll find one that is socially acceptable.

last - next