It is not all about me.
March 28, 2005, 8:40 AM

Some days I can't help but hate myself I gotta tell you I'm really tired of walking this tight rope. I have spent so much time loathing myself I have destroyed all images of myself and then of course have taken into account something everybody else is thought. I'm mad at myself because I can't seem to get it through my big giant fix goal the people have their own problems to. I feel left out when I'm not incorporated into other people situations and feel worse when I think I am and in being kept at bay. But of course if I mention anything it's like the pot calling the kettle black (as offer clich�s) I suppose my real big angerment at the moment is that my world is unbalanced. I have been so unbalanced inside the almost get used to it or I just pick one over the other and go with it. If I'm feeling frustration over a conflict inside I will pick anger and just run it through my everything I do. But right now it's just not my own internal sense it's out of whack its everybody else around me to.

Even the most stable people I know of all of a sudden had a few issues in their life that has left them unhinged. At least the people in my family have called me the rock I suppose I've always seen myself is kind of a rock anyway but I just discovered that I draw my out word's appearance of stability from what I perceive everybody else's life to be. And I take a look at others' people's lives extreme inspirations and every day I see stability I see comfort. And yet lately I've been seeing that other people's lives are not very stable right now and it's throwing my sense of perception into chaos.

I feel so helpless that I can't do anything to help. Both or I might be things I can do to help but it's not my place or at least for now I've decided it's not my place. I've noticed a big change in myself over the last six months even longer than that. In the last six months so many things have happened to me and my life that it would all be almost impossible not to have changed. I'm not entirely sure when it happened by it at some point I decided that I needed to stop completely beating myself up and fortunately the same underlying frustrations are still there (although I'm not entirely positive what they are) and my anger has turned outward's. Of course since I finally seen that I'm being nothing but make a bitch lately some part of my brain has decided that I've thrown my own world into chaos. I guess that doesn't make as much sense out loud as it did in my head.

This particular depth of change does not appear to be beneficial to me. About the same point I decided to stop completely beating myself up I decided that I needed to focus on me in particular. I've realized that I spent way too long ignoring who I am. Anytime somebody asked me how I'm feeling I managed to turn around the question and conversation to completely talk about somebody else. Although in my head I dwelled on my imperfections and never really spent anytime thinking about myself. Half of me is torn between being completely disgusted a myself because I'm viewing what I'm doing as selfish. Yet at the same time I'm almost feeling positive about it because I'm finally taking active steps in becoming a whole person instead of just this girl happens to be alive. Although I'd have wonderful moments of living of enjoying the world of respecting, growing, and understanding. I have neglected myself.

I suppose part of this change came about in one of my classes at the University (My General Studies class). I've completely enjoyed the tutorials and it is led me to some deeper thinking about my perceptions on the bigger picture. Something I haven't done since I was 13 as most of my education and life force me to quash every aspect of my mind. Now the doors are being opened again and not only and my trying to grow and expand and explore I'm also becoming constantly aware of the darkness I've been living in. I guess that's a real source of my anger a been living in the dark for so long. One of the biggest problems those I'm not sure who to be angry at. I want to be angry at myself because when it comes down to it it's really my own fault a been living in the dark. I could've tried harder to make friends, I could've gone a been explored, I could have said screw you to the world I'm going to be myself anyway. And I didn't do any of that instead I took the few parts that I really respected in myself and tried to kill them. I want to be mad at the system because I feel like if I had been able to explore a different option I might have been allowed to grow. For example, once I left junior high my giftedness no longer existed ... well not to any of the higher powers that I came into contact with ... or my peers for that matter.

It seemed that everything that revolved around my education focused in on my learning disabilities the things that made me week or at least people to take the time and see my disabilities as things that needed to be supported and/or fixed in order for me to struggle my way through.

Not much changed at the University and of course being told that constantly I gained a sense of perception that I was really just full of problems and was struggling to make it through. I Wanna be mad at people from not finding me for not helping me have a self-esteem for constantly pushing me down into the mud or at least for not giving me a hand in saying I was allowed to be myself. In high school I felt very isolated I try to make new friends and have new groups of people but everybody else already knew each other from junior high and I felt like I was treated as an outsider a somebody just trying to fit in the didn't really belong. And of course with this perception that I needed to work harder to improve my education and get a job too be able to go to the future education I was told that I couldn't really have any sort of social life or it might infringe on my schoolwork.

I don't know who to be mad at. I'm afraid that if I become mad at myself I will just fall into old patterns. It doesn't help that there is this big part of me that is asking why are you so mad? either get mad at the right thing soon or don't don't be mad. But I guess I feel I need to be mad because I need to understand I need to have closure. cleaning out of the closet and getting rid of all the things that make the unhappy and fortunately I'm going to remember all the unhappiness in the process once it's been cleaned away I can move on.

I was using my voice dictation to "write" this and at the moment I don't really feel he going over and editing the things that voice didn't pick up or said badly. So deal with it.

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