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Somthing to be proud of
April 26, 2002, 8:37 a.m.
I have been feeling just awful lately, I been so mad, at everyone, at myself. I feel beyond worthless, as I was just wondering around my life I thought of the one and only thing I have been proud of in my life. In addition, it is a story I wrote, a few years ago. I am so proud of this! In addition, I want to share it.
Rainfall
I�m standing here on a street corner, somewhere downtown; I�m not sure exactly where, but it doesn�t really matter. It�s one of those gloomy days, all grey and foggy and cold. The gloominess kind of penetrates its way into me, and so I just stand here, on the street corner. I should probably be going somewhere, home or to a restaurant, something like that, because, to tell you the truth, I�m pretty hungry. But for some reason I don�t feel like going anywhere. I really don�t. So I just stand here.
I watch some people walk by, dressed in their warm winter-time clothes, talking about whatever people talk about, but the foggy weather seems to drown out most of their sounds and I can�t hear what they�re saying. My head�s kind of foggy right now, too, I guess. Honestly, it�s actually kind of noisy around here, when you think about it. Cars are driving by and you can hear the rumbling of their tires as they cross the bridge in the distance off to my left. But all I�m really listening to is myself, thinking, and all that other stuff is just way back in the corner of my head so everything sounds quiet in a way, foggy, like the weather.
I�m not sure how long I�ve been standing here on this corner or really, how I even got here. What day is it again? That�s right, Sunday. Sunday�s always are kind of foggy. Maybe not because of the weather, but because nothing really happens. Everything�s closed, mostly (except churches, of course).
It really is gloomy out. I keep expecting it to just come right out and rain; I mean, you can just feel the water in the air. I wish it would rain. I kind of like it when it rains. Keegan loved the rain. He thought rain was the most beautiful thing in the world. I swear he really did.
Rainy days always remind me of Keegan. We met in the rain, and we first kissed in the rain. I guess you could say we shared a lot of moments when it was raining. He always talked to me about the rain. He thought that it was really something special between us. He was kind of funny like that. He thought everything meant something beyond the way it seemed. I have to admit it, though, sometimes I believed him. It did seem like everything important that happened between us had happened in the rain.
One time we were at this place outside, at a pool, and we were sitting next to each other in lawn chairs. We didn�t even really know each other then, but did we ever talk! (That was something about him I remember, I could always talk to him.) So anyway, we�re sitting there talking and all of a sudden it gets really windy. Things start blowing over, and the sky got kind of green. I swear, it really was green. He was pretty scared, but I think I was, too, so it was okay. I lived pretty close by, so I told him to come to my house instead of driving home, and he did. That night there was this huge thunderstorm and it caused a lot of accidents. I think if he had tried to drive home he might have died. I really do.
Another memory I have of us in the rain is this time when he and I went out to eat. Actually, it was our first date. It was pretty special to me. I had it all planned out. We would sit and eat outside on the patio with the birds chirping and the sun shining. But, of course, when we got to the restaurant, wouldn�t you know it, it started raining. Not just drizzling, mind you, but really raining. That didn�t matter to Keegan. He demanded the waiters sit us outside on the patio, even if it was pouring out there. And they did, too. We sat there, underneath this umbrella, in the rain, and we spent the whole lunch there, just me and him. It was pretty nice. It really was.
One time we took a walk together in the park. Actually, we took a lot of walks in the park, but this one time I really remember well. We talked about everything, about life and all, as if we were really smart and philosophical and stuff, like we knew the way the world was. Anyway, when we were way out there in the woods, it started to rain. Not really hard or anything, at least not right away, but it was enough to get a person soaked. So, we were really wet. But it was weird, because we didn't ever even mention the fact that it was raining. We just kept walking and talking like everything was normal. I loved that. I really did. It started raining harder and harder, and we looked at each other and smiled. He had rain streaming off his face, and it almost looked like he was crying, except he wasn�t, he was laughing!
He was wearing cutoff blue jean shorts and a white tank top with a blue sweatshirt jacket on top. I loved the way he looked. Even if he had some flaws, I think his imperfections made him even more perfect. He took my hand in his. It felt really warm and all; not just the touch of his hand, but the way he made my whole body feel. I turned towards him, and I really looked at him for the first time, in this whole new way. I think he saw this or was thinking it too, because, our smiles kind of faded away as his eyes locked on mine and he looked deeper into my soul than any one had before. All of sudden, that smile jumped right back on his face, and he came up to my face and kissed me on the lips, our cold bodies suddenly becoming much warmer as we felt the other�s. It got so warm; it was almost as if the sun had started shining, just for us. I didn�t expect it at all. I really didn�t. I think some of my bright red lipstick got on him, but he didn�t seem to mind that much. He pressed me up against him and gave me a hug, and then he moved back and laughed, and kind of loped along a little ways with my hand in his. I think that�s the best I ever felt. I really do. After a little while we stopped walking to. . .
�MISS!�
All my thoughts suddenly jump out of my mind. There�s a man here standing next to me, yelling for some reason. He must have been yelling at me for some time. I guess I just didn�t hear him.
�Are you alright? What�s wrong with you? You�re just standing here staring into space. Want me to get you a cab or something? It�s pouring!�
I look the man in the eye, and then I look around me. The sky is kind of dark now, it must be almost dusk. All of a sudden, I realize it�s raining, and I�m sopping wet. I look around quickly. The rushing sound of rain fills my ears. How long have I been standing here? It must have been hours. My clothes are soaked. I�m truly drenched. I really am. I mean, I can feel the water seeping through my socks, even. My shirt is kind of stuck to my chest, my jeans feel like they�re going to fall off, they�re so heavy. It�s really coming down. It�s funny, because even though I�m so wet and it�s really cold outside, I still feel all warm in a way. It reminds me of when Keegan. . .
�Miss?!� That man is yelling at me again. I guess I should talk to him before he goes insane or something.
�I�m okay,� I tell him, �I kind of like the rain.�
�But you�re drenched! Come on; let me get you inside or something.� He sounds very determined. Why won�t this idiot leave me alone?
�No, really, I�m okay. I feel fine. Never better. Just let me stand here awhile longer. I like the way the rain feels. But you should go, really. You don�t want to catch cold or something.�
�Whatever! God, you�re crazy!� The guy turns and walks away.
Poor fellow. He should just enjoy the rain. I mean, it�s kind of nice if you think about it. I walk towards the curb so I can sit down for a bit. My legs are really tired for some reason, maybe because I�ve been standing for so long. I feel my socks squish against my feet as I walk on the cement. The water squeezes out of them and runs between my toes. I get to the curb and I sit down. I have to kind of readjust my jeans because they�re so wet that they are kind of hard to move around in. That�s maybe the only thing I don�t like about the rain, the way jeans get all heavy and stiff.
Now that I�m sitting on the curb, I kind of lean back and let the rain wash over my face. The street is pretty lonely. No one else is walking along, like they were earlier. I really don�t know why. There aren�t very many cars around, either. Maybe it�s because it�s Sunday and most of the stores are closed. I don�t much like Sundays. They remind me of when Keegan left. He left on a Sunday, you see.
It was that day he wore a yellow rain coat, to protect him from the rain or something. I begged him to take it off, but he wouldn�t, or couldn�t. I don't know why. We had always been fine before, without any rain coats, or even an umbrella for that matter. I felt that I should say something, but I just couldn�t think or find the words to say what I was feeling, so I just looked at him again with the same love we had shared on that one walk in the rain. He didn�t return the look. As I grieved with the sorrow, pain and the heartache that the day had caused, my heart wept. As I cried, the clouds wept with me and I stepped up to him.
�This is your time, this is your day.� I spoke so softly, I was barely audible. �This is for you. Everyone did this just for you.�
I looked away. The pain was getting to me. How could he do this? How could I do this? But I just knew I had to tell him. I really did. So, turning back, I went on. �This is one more moment for us to share, but I know in my heart it won�t be the last.�
As a tear fell from my face to his (I was crying outwardly to show the pain I was feeling inside) I took his hand and whispered �au revoir, �til we meet again.� I kissed his hand, leaving a bright red mark. Stepping back, I never took my eyes off him. They closed the lid and the casket was lowered into the ground.
God, I miss him sometimes. I don�t know why he thought he had to leave. Maybe there was something wrong with me, or something he couldn�t deal with anymore. But that didn�t make sense to me. I thought we were perfect. You know what? I think I even loved him. I really do.
My body�s getting kind of cold here in the rain. Sitting still will do that to you when it�s raining. I�m kind of shivering a little bit and all and I can see my breath when I breathe out. My teeth even chatter every now and then. I felt a lot better earlier. Not before it started raining. I felt kind of lousy then, actually, but standing there in the rain, I felt really good. Anyway, now I�m kind of cold and uncomfortable. I don�t know exactly why, I just am. I really am. I lie down on my back, with my feet still in the street and my head on the hard pavement, and look up at the sky. I�m starting to feel a little less cold, but I kind of feel dizzy. My head�s kind of spinning around like the water in the puddles swirling in the street. I can�t really feel my feet anymore. My toes tingle a little, but that�s about it. I don�t mind, though. I�m getting kind of tired, like my eyes don�t want to stay open. I should probably go inside, or something, but it�s so nice out here in the rain.
I turn my head and look way down the street. I see a person down there in a yellow rain coat, walking towards me. The person is getting closer and closer. All I can see is the water bouncing off the sidewalk in front of me and that yellow rain coat that keeps coming my way. Everything else is kind of blurry for some reason. I can�t really figure out why. It�s not as foggy as when it was before it started raining, but everything�s still blurry.
Suddenly, I know who it is in the yellow rain coat. It�s Keegan! It has to be. I want to get up and run to him, but my body won�t let me. I decide I�d better just wait for him to get to me. I know he�ll want to be with me again. He�s got to. After all, it�s raining.
Everything�s getting really blurry and foggy now. I mean, even more than it was earlier, but that�s okay. My eyes don�t want to stay open all that much, but I figure I�ve got to stay awake until Keegan gets over here. I�m still shivering quite a bit because I�m awfully cold, but my arms are kind of numb now and I don�t feel all that bad. Keegan is only about a hundred feet away, so I�ll be just fine in a couple minutes. When I�m with him everything�s all right. It really is.
He throws off the rain coat, and there he is. He�s in those same shorts and that same white tank top, with that same blue sweatshirt jacket. His blonde hair is pulled back with a bandana. God is he cute when he does that!
He starts loping towards me. I can kind of hear him laughing, too. I feel numb all over now, all except in my heart. I can hear every drop of rain that hits the ground next to my ear, but more importantly, I can hear him laughing. He is most likely dancing in the rain.
As he gets closer and closer, I can see him more clearly. He�s almost to me now. I think he looks like an angel, his laughter rushing through my ears like the rain. Closer, closer, now he�s right beside me, and I can see his face, his eyes looking into mine. He smiles, and I smile back at him. Everything is blurry, except his face, and all I can hear is the pounding of rain on the pavement. His crystal blue eyes sparkle and I feel his hand on my cheek as he leans over and kisses me with his soft red lips, kissing my lips, which must be blue by now.
I close my eyes to accept his kiss, and suddenly a feeling of warmth spreads all throughout my body. I decide that now, I can go to sleep, now it�s alright to rest because now I�m with him, and so I nestle my head next to his and I drift into the most wonderful slumber I have ever had, which is only right, since I�m with him, and we�re together, in the rain.
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