Peeing and Personal Walls
January 28, 2005, 3:40 PM

I need to learn to go pee before I get to class I think well that or I need to have less liquid in the day. Well that was a stupid thing to say, but I do have to pee, not badly but enough that I am thinking about it quite a bit. I mean how soon is too soon to get up to go pee in class? Good gravy what am I, in high school? It is not as if I have to ask permission.

Anyway moving on to other things, I seem to be writing these entries mostly in class. Do not get me wrong I am glad to be writing, on some level, again. However, why is it that when I think I might have one problem in my life on the mend, something always has to give. I might feel like I have started to write again but if I am doing it in class then I am losing my goal to be a better student. I do not want my life to be nothing but summations of paradoxes. Do I really have a choice in the matter? Can I change my life? Perhaps I have spent too much time in school and therefore I cannot stop living in theories, questions, or assumptions.

I think I might have crashed my headspace earlier on. After my first class, I sat down to study for my film class and I was doing really well. I was very proud of myself, I was marking my text well, I was very active in reading, I even understood and was paraphrasing as I read it was a hopeful moment then it all went belly up. I am reading along and I realise that I am not paying as much attention anymore. I stop to take a small break. Quick game of cards, talk online, look up info for another class I figure that the whole break should be 10mins � an hour later � *sigh*. Then I could not get back into reading, I tried I really did, but to no avail. Then I crashed and burned, I wanted to � well it does not matter the point is I could not get over my inability to work. I looked for everything/anything to do, so That I did not feel quite so useless, but I could not work on anything. I could not play cards, talk to people, write, surf, or relax at all. Then I broke down inside.

I am not sure if I want to call out for help at this point, all I know is that I just feel like sitting and shaking my head at � myself. I cannot say that notion helps my self-esteem. I need to find renewal in my existence. My walls are in such a tattered state, they have been resurrected and trodden on so many times, I do not think they stand up and stay up no matter what anymore.

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